My Halo-Halo Life

The Pied Piper, Christmas Style

2011-12-26T02:28:00.001+08:00

As I was walking home last Thursday, seven scruffy-looking "yagit" kids from the neighborhood accosted me on the road, asking for "pamasko" - the Filipino tradition of caroling for money or presents. Well, mostly for coins. It's a tradition that I've come to abhor because in my eyes, it's tantamount to begging and asking without working for something, and to even consider complete strangers as a target for Christmas gifts. We were taught to receive gifts, not to demand for them. Gifts are given, not asked for.

In the Philippines caroling used to carry a flavor of good cheer and was wrapped in a sincere desire to give of yourself while you were making rounds amongst the homes and singing Christmas songs. If the host decided to reward you with money then it was their prerogative and a nice bonus - but not the goal of the caroling. Now it's become this desperate drive to knock on people's doors and shout out, "NAMAMASKO PO!"

Complete strangers leave envelopes with "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" from the garbage man, postman, and every youth/church/home for the aged organization in the city. And that only covers some of the scams - I can't even tell the genuine groups from organized crime-run ones anymore! In retaliation, we lock our doors and pretend we're not home. Or we ignore the envelopes that look like they're greeting cards but they're not. And when I give food or snacks instead of money, a caroler will say, "Can we have cash instead?" I could just weep from the frustration and disgust.

So these seven kids were not ruffians, they lived in the neighborhood. However, they were starting to annoy me because I had no money to give. Until I remembered an email my Mama wrote to the family. She, papa, and Trina had decided not to exchange gifts in Canada. They would not buy or purchase. Instead, they would give of themselves, their time, talents, and services.They were inspired by this youtube video that they watched and have been sharing with friends and loved ones: Advent Conspiracy. Do check it out!

Instead of giving them money, and I said I had none, I invited them instead for a snack of soda and hotdogs. The hotdogs were part of this big bag, a gift from Doods and Rheah Garcia of Mekeni Food corporation. Well the gift keeps on giving of itself. The hotdogs have also fed my college housemates, and has provided several meals when their allowances and scholarship stipends are delayed.

I felt like the Pied Piper as I led them across the park and into the apartment. As I started noticing their dirty hands and feet, I thought, "Oh now what have I gotten myself into?" As I cooked the hotdogs, I let them watch news on TV, but they were more interested in exploring the apartment. One of the boys even bravely killed a cockroach for me!

They were starting to get boisterous and restless - probably hungry - and I thought to myself, "You can't back out now! Remain committed!"

Two of the girls kept saying "Ate ang bait mo, buti ka pa hindi ka masungit, hindi mo kami sinisigawan!" (You are so kind, you don't scream at us like many people do). I found out that we have a well-known actress for a neighbor, but apparently she was not nice either, because she would scream at them to go away and quit bothering her. Then a couple of the kids asked to use the bathroom - and I had to remind them to flush the toilet. Apparently they were not used to flushing because they whispered to each other, reminding each other to FLUSH IT! Some asked to wash their feet and hands. I was delighted to see they had manners! Later on I would find the bathroom floor a bit dirty and the toilet seat DOWN but I didn't mind :)

They also kept saying "thank you" and "you're nice". One of them kept saying that she was just poor and was I rich so I had a little bit of a serious discussion with her, "lecturing" her that poverty should never keep us from doing our best and excelling in life. After that, it was a general group lecture on doing good in school, honoring God with their lives, not getting into bad company, etc, etc. They assured me they would do all those.

I asked them to sing the carols to me at the dinner table - that's what they came to do, right? Horrified by the wrong words, I corrected their lyrics and explained what the songs meant. Words like JOY PREPARE-HIM-ROOM NATURE HEAVEN SAVIOR SLEIGH REINDEER

Since they were eyeing the hotdogs longingly, I prayed for them and blessed them in a mix of English and the best Tagalog I could muster. I took their pictures, and they took turns with me while I uploaded their pics onto their Facebook account Far better than giving them coins! I gave of myself, my time, my skills, and the values that I held dear.

The kids arrange their forks neatly after eating

Jesus' apostles probably didn't want the little grimy, sniffly, snotty kids getting their greasy and dirty hands on Jesus, asking too many questions, demanding too much of their tired Master and Rabbi but guess what? Jesus said in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

I didn't let them do the dishes, declaring that they were my "guests" which drew huge smiles from them

Instead of giving them coins, I gave them something better: my life. Thank you Jesus for coming and giving us your life!

Family Legacy in Mindanao Inspires Community to Better Education

2011-09-16T13:50:00.000+08:00

I am reposting here an article titled Family Legacy in Mindanao Inspires Community to Better Education by Reynaldo S. Ocampo and Kriszia Lorraine Enriquez of The Asia Foundation, dated September 7, 2011.

The article moved me so much: the legacy our Lolo (Filipino for grandfather) left his children, my father's legacy of love for reading, my own love for reading, the sense of history, direction, and purpose in life imprinted on our lives by those before us.

I remember growing up that there were always books everywhere. Time magazines, encyclopedias, Reader's Digest - these were only the "appetizers" that served to whet our appetites for learning and knowledge.

The article has made its rounds in the family Facebook groups, emails, and chat messages. Not only has the feature article made us so proud of our Lolo, but it has inspired me to want to give to the Isulan library.

This came in today:

Before I entered high school Papang forced me to read "History of the Living Past and the Modern Times". That was the beginning of my romance with books (1960). I cried as I read the book. We probably had the most number of books in any home in the entire town at that time. - Ernie Pinzon, eldest son, my father

Lolo was quite determined that his children should be educated, wide-read, and prepared for school. My dad (Ernie) says his father was tough - forcing him to read the book, which is why he cried, hahahaha! - but it's one of the factors that made my dad love history and win the "Historian of the Year" award in highschool.

"I remember there were always books and magazines at home on all subject matters. There were some books that I was not able to read like Churchill's "The Gathering Storm" and books on theology." - Jeremy Pinzon, second son, my uncle

My Lolo spoke and wrote perfect English - as many of his educated peers did during the American occupation - but especially him because he just devoured books. I remember reading some old correspondence to his children, hand-written in his beautiful script, talking about American and Filipino politics of the time!!!

It's been a dream of mine to collect the life stories of our Lolo and Lola Pinzon, and this article has inspired me to start writing down those "mentally and verbally collected" stories. I just told my uncle Jeremy over Gmail chat about being inspired to send books to the Isulan library, books that we love and cherish but are gathering dust on the shelves.

I think I will make it my personal project to visit Isulan, the home of my parents and grandparents and see this library for myself. My other project will involve the cousins as we think of ways to keep this legacy alive in Isulan and with the the other grandkids and great-grandkids!

The deluge of God's presence

2011-07-26T22:10:00.007+08:00

Tonight marks the second night of Tropical Storm Juaning. Classes have already been suspended up to the tertiary level. Tomorrow, classes will be suspended up to the secondary level.

I remember weathering another typhoon in Saipan, Northern Mariana Islands in 2007. It was feared to reach the same intensity as Typhoon Chata'an which devastated Guam in July 2002. The government declared a Guam State Disaster: heavy winds and rains uprooted trees, roofs and houses, and mowed down powerlines. This resulted in island-wide power blackouts, rendered electrical and communications stations useless, and crippled the international airport for weeks. Tourists and locals were stuck on Guam without a way to leave. The US Navy and Air Force were called in to deliver supplies and relief goods.

Thankfully, we never got to that point. My friends Jean and Rod Erler called me up that night. "Wanna have some dinner?" they asked. I immediately said yes, hopped into sweatpants and running shoes, and pretty soon we were driving along Beach Road on that stormy twilight evening. Through the headlights we could see ocean spray onto the eerily empty road; no waves reaching the shore just yet. It was pretty chilly. The strong wind would rock Rod's truck on its wheels every once in a while. We did find China House still open, and so two Americans and one crazy Filipina ordered a hot meal of rice and lemon chicken...by candlelight.

Last night, one of our UP students - Andie - and I had just left SEND house, after spending an afternoon with our short-term Navigators missionaries. We started walking and waiting for an empty passenger tricycle to pass by and take us to PHILCOA where Andie would get a bus to his home in Cubao; and I would walk home to UP Bliss. After three minutes, still no tricycle.

A drop fell on my arm. Then my nose. Andie got out his umbrella, and I fumbled in my backpack for mine.

Suddenly, the rain came down.

Just one of the rainy days during the rainy season in the Philippines

No in-between showers.
No getting-stronger drizzle.

It WAS a major downpour, steady and strong.

My shoes were soaked; my pants were wet to the knee. Finally, we boarded a tricycle but I had to keep my umbrella open at the opening to keep the rain at bay. 10 minutes later, we got down but by this time the rain had subsided into a light drizzle.

Everywhere I looked I could see proof of the deluge. People were walking around with soaked hair and clothes. A street vendor, her kid, and their dog were up on a bench because their spot was flooded. Other street vendors were fixing their displays to get the water out; some were removing large plastic sheets that they had used to cover their fruits and vegetables. The curb's overflowing rainwater was rushing into the street drains. Alleys had huge puddles. The street leading up to my building and its potholes were definitely filled with water. Pedestrians huddled in the PHILCOA store complex. The trees were heavy and dripping with raindrops. None of the usual bystanders were around; they all had gone in to avoid getting soaked.

God's presence is like that. When he comes through, when he shows Himself, when His presence visits us - expect a deluge. When he sends His blessings, when he sends rain to parched land, when he proves His faithfulness and love - it is a flood. When he fulfills a promise, when he answers the prayers of the faithful, when he proves that he is God - get ready!

The Bible speaks of God wanting to pour our blessing so much that our storehouses cannot contain the floodgates (Malachi 3:10).

He wants us to ask Him to send rain and make lush pastures (Zechariah 10:1).

God promises to pour water on the thirsty land, streams on dry ground, and His Spirit on our offspring and blessings on our descendants (Isaiah 44:3).

And wonder of wonders, he will send every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3)!

As I made my way through puddles on the approach to my building, I asked myself: How can tell or know that God is flooding us with Himself?

Well, just like the rain...you will get soaked, flooded, and carried away. Our hearts and minds will continue to thirst for more. Our daily activities will be saturated with His presence. We will be overwhelmed and lift our hearts in love and praise. We won't be able to help but pass on the "runoff" of God's presence in our lives.

If our spiritual eyes are willing to see, our ears to hear, and our hearts to feel, we will see God's steady and strong downpour of Himself and His love on us and around us!

Dear Family in Ottawa

2011-07-26T20:01:00.001+08:00

The following are excerpts from my June 5, 2011 letter to family before I left for the Philippines. I decided not to post everything, because some topics were very personal and for family-eyes only. However, I wanted to capture and preserve the sentiment and love that I had for my family at around 4 in the morning, as I was busy packing while the rest of the world was still asleep.

Last family picnic by the Ottawa River. Summer, 2011

Dear Papa, Mama, and Trina,

It's almost 4 am and I'm writing this...Pagbalik ninyo sa house, wala na ko. I know you'll miss me as much as I miss you. You have each other. It will be harder for me to back to the Philippines alone. I know I'll be busy with school as soon as I land, but it will not make me miss you less.

My time in Canada has been so enriching. Thank you for having the faith and fortitude to get me to visit, and for showing me your love in more ways than one. I know you love me, you really do, and I have seen it time and time again.

It's so sweet to be reunited with you. So wonderful to see Trina as a grownup woman, being used of God, and to see her grounded in herself and in Christ. I admire Trina's talent and skill and gift of investing in people's lives: her youth group in FCC, her contacts in the Navigators ministry, and her friends around the world. Trina enriches the lives of others around her. She brought me to many places that she loves, her usual haunts. She delights in asking me if I "prefer this dress, or that makeup, or this bag". I'm glad to be there for her to check if her eye makeup is good, drive her to work, and to just interact with her maskin usahay saputon siya (though at times she is short-tempered). I let it pass, because I love her, and I know she loves me.

Trina is being crazy as usual

I'm so glad to see Papa loves Mama everyday, in an out, more and more. He tells her all the time that she is beautiful. Si mama dayon, change subject. But I can see the love in her eyes when she looks at him. She really does love Papa so much, she wants to attend to his needs.

Candid shot, taken with a Canon G11.

Papa still has the great faith in God that we witnessed growing up, except that He loves God even more now. Mama is still very thoughtful and attentive. Sometimes I feel like a 10-year old because she'll still ask if I'm hungry.

I know I will miss these everyday sights when I return. But I am so happy to have been in this environment again. It has grounded me in that 1) My parents love God 2) My parents love each other 3) My family loves each other. I think it's just so funny that they still argue over the same things, but in the end, they "kiss and make up."

Love,

Esther

The Coloring Song

2011-06-25T10:01:00.004+08:00

Another favorite from Petra, and you can click on this link to hear it: "The Coloring Song". Yay for YouTube!

Red is the color of the blood that flowed
Down the face of Someone Who loved us so
He's the perfect man, He's the Lord's own son,
He's the Lamb of God, He's the only one
That can give us life, that can make us grow,
That can make the love between us flow.

Blue is the color of a heart so cold
It will not bend when the story's told
Of the love of God for a sinful race
Of the blood that flowed down Jesus face
That can give us life, that can make us grow
That can keep our hearts from growing cold.

Gold is the color of the morning sun
That shines so freely an every one
It's the sun above that keeps us warm
It's the Son of love that calms the storm
That can give us life that can make us grow,
That can turn our mornings into gold.

Brown is the color of the autumn leaves
When the winter comes to the barren trees
There is birth, there is death, there is a plan
And there's just one God, and there's just one man
That can give us life, that can make us grow
That can make our sins as white as snow

That can give us life, that can make us grow
That can turn our mornings into gold.
That can give us life, that can make us grow
That can keep our hearts from growing cold.
That can give us life, that can make us grow
That can make the love between us flow.

The Love Song

2011-06-25T10:00:00.001+08:00

With today's YouTube, it has become increasingly easier to find old songs, that otherwise I couldn't locate. I heard "Love" by Petra back in 1992, when a group of YWAMers (Youth With a Mission) visited Zamboanga City, and performed a short theatrical skit to this song. Of course we only had tapes back then, and I longingly wished I had a copy of the song. I came across the lyrics that I wrote on an index card in my old things today, as I rummaged through my boxes here in Ottawa. The message held true back then, it still holds true today! I don't care that people thought Petra's christian rock and roll was awful. I thought they rocked!!!

Love (The Love Song)
Lyrics and Music by Bob Hartman
Biblical Reference: 1 Corinthians 13

LOVE
Artist: Petra
Album: Beyond Belief (1990)

Love is patient, love is kind
No eyes of envy, true love is blind
Love is humble, it knows no pride
No selfish motive hidden inside
Love is gentle, makes no demands
Despite all wrong, true love still stands
Love is holy, love is pure
It lasts forever, it will endure

(Coro)
Love knows when to let go
Love knows when to say no
Love grows in the light of the Son
And love shows the world that the Son of Love has come

Love is loyal, believes the best
It loves the truth, love stands the test
Love is God sent in His Son
Love forgives all we have done

In this world where hatred seems to grow
True love goes against the flow
And becomes so hard to show

In this world where push turns to shove
We have strength to rise above
Through the power of His love
Lord, we need to know the power of Your love

Why worry?

2011-06-23T14:46:00.001+08:00

Worry distorts our thinking
Disrupts our work
Disquiets our soul
Disfigures our face
Destroys our poise
Demoralizes our lives
Defeats our faith and
Debilitates our energy
So get rid of it!

2011-06-21T23:56:00.001+08:00

'The Lord may not have planned that this should overtake me, but he has most certainly permitted it. Therefore though it were the attack of an enemy, by the time it reaches me, it has the Lord's permission and therefore all is well. He will make it work together with all life's experiences for good.' Seen on the wall of a missionary's house in Nairobi. (Romans 8:28)

We were made to know and treasure the glory of God above all things

2011-05-19T12:44:00.004+08:00

Here's something from a book I've been reading, "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ" by John Piper:

Reference: Romans 1:26-27

If we exchange God's glory for lesser things, he gives us up to lived-out parables of depravity - the other exchanges that mirror, in our misery, the ultimate sellout.

The point is this: We were made to know and treasure the glory of God above all things; and when we trade that treasure for images, everything is disordered. The sun of God's glory was made to shine at the center of the solar system of our soul. And when it does, all the planets of our life are held in their proper orbit. But when the sun is displaced, everything flies apart. The healing of the soul begins by restoring the glory of God to its flaming, all-attracting place at the center.

Garlic Roasted Mushrooms With Pasta

2011-04-30T12:35:00.005+08:00

Lunch of love

I have landed in Canada and been here for almost 21 days now! Although there is much to be said about my wonderful reunion with the family, new sights and sounds, people to meet and places to see, please forgive that I haven't found the time to write about them all. Many are the inspired moments that hit my heart and head, but I've just been too wonderfully busy to sit down and write. I've been able to put up pictures on my Facebook and Shutterfly and I hope they provide simple visuals that reflect my joy.

One thing that's brought me great pleasure is taking over regular chores that bore most people: taking out the garbage, doing the laundry, washing dishes, helping prepare meals in the kitchen, cleaning up, driver and secretarial duties, and more. I've missed doing these with family, and have committed to doing this while I'm here. It is a challenge getting my mother to give the dishwashing gloves over, but I'm up to it!

Another pleasure-giver is having the ingredients and kitchen to cook with. I have a small apartment back in the Philippines, and a tinier kitchen with limited cooking apparatuses. Here, I have access to an oven and four stovetops , tons of pots and pans, and wonderful variety of produce and spices at the grocery store. I am now able to pull out recipes that I've mentally stored for a long time, and bring them into creation.

Spice heaven in my mom's kitchen

I made lunch two days ago, and decided to go with whatever was in the pantry. It's a pasta and mushroom recipe that's easy to prepare and so delicious to smell...and eat! If you want to save money, you don't need to fulfill the recipe 100%, so feel free to substitute. I'll include my comments and thoughts after the recipe.

You can find this recipe and others on http://herbsspices.about.com/

Garlic Roasted Mushrooms With Pasta - Featuring garlic roasted mushrooms accented with herbs, this rustic pasta dish is earthy, satisfying, and simple to prepare.

Serves 4 to 6.

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes

Ingredients:

1 1/2 pounds assorted mushrooms, (such as shiitake, cremini, or, porcini), cleaned, stemmed, and sliced
6 to 8 cloves of garlic, peeled, and finely chopped
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh oregano, or 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon fresh chopped basil, or 1 teaspoon dried basil
1 pound dried farfalle, or other favorite pasta

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 425° F. In a large bowl, toss together the cleaned, sliced mushrooms, garlic, olive oil, oregano, and basil.

Pour the mushrooms into a large baking dish or rimmed cookie sheet, and spread them into a single layer.

Place the mushrooms into the preheated oven, and roast, stirring periodically, until the mushrooms release their juices, shrink, and begin to caramelize, about 30 to 35 minutes.

While the mushrooms are roasting, prepare the pasta according to package directions.

Drain the pasta and transfer to a serving bowl. Add the mushrooms, and pour any olive oil, herbs, and garlic remaining in the baking dish over the pasta as well. Toss together and serve. Enjoy!

Commentaries

My commentary on preparing the ingredients:

I only had canned button, shiitake, and white mushrooms. An American friend of mine from Saipan -who also loves to cook - has noticed that many North American recipe books have blander tastes for Asian recipes. Since I'm Asian and she's Asian at heart, we like our recipes with more flavor and spice. So I threw in a few extra cloves of garlic. If you don't have fresh oregano or basil, bottled spices will do; double the amount to increase the flavor. For pasta, I only had linguine, spaghetti, and penne in assorted colors; I went with the penne. The colors just look cute together.

Penne pasta in assorted green, white and peach colors

Preparing the mushrooms:

Some literature will say that dried shiitake mushrooms need to be soaked up to 6 hours. I soaked my shiitake mushrooms in 10-20 minutes, although one 'shroom decided to be stubborn and wouldn't hydrate. Clean the mushrooms in a bowl of water or under a tap. Make sure to remove all the residual grit so you don't accidentally bite on a grain of sand and chip a tooth! The leftover water can be used as flavoring for other recipes later. You can mix this with soup stock or freeze for later use. Once soft and hydrated, slice away! Here's the mixed mushrooms prior to going into their tanning bed.

These 'shrooms before they go into their tanning bed

I set my cellphone timer every 10 minutes to "stir and turn" the mushrooms so they wouldn't get too burnt on one side. Here's what they look like once the start to "caramelize". You'll also start smelling a rich and deep aroma which made my dad go, "Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!" and my mom go, "Turn on the overhead fan, or the fire alarm might go off!!!" It reminds me of summer skies and outdoor picnics.

The 'shrooms as they start to "caramelize"

Here's another tip. Use the top rack of the oven so the mushrooms don't burn quickly. Wear your oven mitts if you're wise. Don't just pull out the tray to mix the mushrooms around; pull out the oven rack halfway out and this will support the tray on top of it.

Be smart, use your oven mitts!

When done:

You might feel that the pasta tastes a little too bare for your liking, or not moist enough (without any sauces to accompany it). My mom just added an extra dousing of olive oil on her plate. Won't hurt you, it's actually good for you. Mushrooms can be expensive, although if you have them in abundance then feel free to bake as many mushrooms as you can.

Side Salad:

I just tossed some red bell peppers, spinach, and raw broccoli (again, it's what was available in the fridge) and topped with Italian dressing.

Raw spinach, broccoli, and sweet red peppers

Again, it's a pleasure to serve my family after being away all these years. The juice behind the dinner plate is just a mish-mash of fresh lemon and orange juice, and some brown sugar. I couldn't find the honey and was in a bit of a hurry...

And if you're anything like me, I like to "clean as you go." If someone's working the kitchen and cooking, I will lend a helping hand to clean up any clutter to free more counter space. My mother is bad at it; my father is good at it. We all work hand in hand.

Put that lemon to good use

However, do NOT clean as you when you're preparing the mushrooms. I preferred using my hands to mix the sliced mushrooms with the spices and olive oil. The mixing motion will release more of the garlic and other spices's flavor into the 'shrooms. Plus you know what they say about love getting released into the food you prepare with your hands...So no washing dishes in between or you'll get dishwashing liquid flavor in the food. Also, instead of throwing away your used lemons, put them in your dishwashing liquid solution...it adds that clean, fresh scent and your kitchen ends up smelling so lemony as you're rinsing!

You CAN put away things while you're cleaning as you go. I just find that even in this Filipino household, I still need a stool to reach any overhead shelves.

2011-04-04T19:31:00.002+08:00

Yours and Yours alone, Jesus. I'm all yours.

You are my Beloved. No one else compares or even comes close. No one will ever share you rightful place in heart and in my life.

Please Remember Us

2011-03-28T15:53:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I think my heart will break from the weight of it all. My heart is in anguish to see people around whose hearts are also breaking for whatever reason: disobedience, the consequences of sin and wrong choices, affliction in their lives, relationships on the rocks, sickness or death, and natural disasters. I hurt for those who are abused, mistreated, or longing for freedom and liberation.

My heart hurts for my personal struggles as well. I have longings to love and be loved in return, to live a life of victory over sin and temptation, to find fulfillment in what God is calling me to be right now, sorrow and regret for wrong choices, the plea to have God redeem my broken relationships, and for his presence to never leave me.

Why Lord? So we might learn to listen, obey, and depend on you more. For what reason? That YOUR glory might be displayed. That you might be glorified.

Mandisa sings Broken Hallelujah, and I sing along with tears streaming down my face, my body doubled over in emotional pain, even as my lips whisper praise of adoration.

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship you
And give you praise

Bebo Norman sings Please Remember Us and I sit here in my chair, head bowed, while my hands are reaching out in supplication to God to reach down and make his presence known in the midst of all my/our despair.

And some days we dont know how
We will make it at all

When our hearts are breaking
And our darkest hour is upon us
When the storm is raging
God of heaven, please remember us

My friend singer and songwriter Linda Gray pens these words in Your Voice.

A word and I am deeply shaken
A whisper, I am undone
The occasion of Your Voice awakens
Even this halting simple one

Your Voice
The sound unmistakably you
Your words, I’ll gather them up in my hands
Turning them over

The occasion of Your Voice is clearly
The prerogative of You

Please do check out http://www.lindagraymusic.com/ for more of her work. If you didn't know, she's the composer and writer for my favorite childhood musical, God's Project.

He hears us and grants us his voice. We are not alone as we plod, crawl, and run towards Him. We will never be alone. God of heaven, please remember us!

A Challenge and a Prayer

2011-03-26T22:37:00.000+08:00

This just came in from one of my ates and role models, Marie Caluza. Very timely and precious, I would like to post it here.

This may be a long one to read but this is something worth praying for ourselves and our sisters. May we live out our womanhood in a truly biblical way and glorify our Maker.

1. That all of your life—in whatever calling—be devoted to the glory of God.

2. That the promises of Christ be trusted so fully that peace and joy and strength fill your soul to overflowing.

3. That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in Heaven.

4. That you be women of the Book, who love and study and obey the Bible in every area of its teaching. That meditation on Biblical truth be the source of hope and faith. That you continue to grow in understanding through all the chapters of your life, never thinking that study and growth are only for others.

5. That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God will be opened to you, and so the power of faith and holiness will descend upon you, that your spiritual influence may increase at home and at church and in the world.

6. That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God which undergirds all these spiritual processes; and that you be deep thinkers about the doctrines of grace, and even deeper lovers of these things.

7. That you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific calling; that you not fritter your time away on soaps or women’s magazines or unimportant hobbies or shopping; that you redeem the time for Christ and his Kingdom.

8. That, if you are single, you exploit your singleness to the full in devotion to God (the way Jesus and Paul and Mary Slessor and Amy Carmichael did) and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.

9. That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that you influence him spiritually primarily through your less tranquillity and holiness and prayer.

10. That, if you have children, you accept responsibility with your husband (or alone if necessary) to raise up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord—children who hope in the triumph of God—sharing with your husband the teaching and discipline they need, and giving them the special attachment they crave from you, as well as that special nurturing touch and care that you alone are fitted to give.

11. That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home, the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world; that you not only pose the question: career or full-time homemaker?, but that you ask just as seriously: full-time career or freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom—to work for someone who tells you what to do to make his or her business prosper, or to be God’s free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God’s business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or upward lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the faith of the family and advance the cause of Christ.

12. That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life’s ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things—age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of trade-offs. Finding God’s will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else’s chapter or whether it has in it what only another chapter will bring.

13. That you develop a wartime mentality and life-style; that you never forget that life is short, that billions of people hang in the balance of Heaven and Hell every day, that the love of money is spiritual suicide, that the goals of upward mobility (nicer clothes, cars, houses, vacations, food, hobbies) are a poor and dangerous substitute for the goals of living for Christ with all your might and maximizing your joy in ministry to people’s needs.

14. That in all your relationships with men (not just in marriage) you seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in applying the Biblical vision of manhood and womanhood; that you develop a style and demeanor that does justice to the unique role God has given to man to feel responsible for gracious leadership in relation to women—a leadership which involves elements of protection and provision and a pattern of initiative. That you think creatively and with cultural sensitivity (just as he must do) in shaping the style and setting the tone of your interaction with men.

15. That you see the Biblical guidelines for what is appropriate and inappropriate for men and women not as arbitrary constraints on freedom, but as wise and gracious prescriptions for how to discover the true freedom of God’s ideal of complementarity. That you not measure your potential by the few roles withheld, but by the countless roles offered .That you look to the loving God of Scripture and dream about the possibilities of your service to him

*excerpted from “What Is The Difference?” by John Piper

Psalm 27:8

2011-03-26T12:27:00.000+08:00

In the New Living Translation

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

What sweet words! To hear the Shepherd's voice and know it it is He, and to want and to love to respond to that sweet voice.

I love you, Lord.

I will not offer anything that costs me nothing

2011-03-22T23:38:00.003+08:00

This is a reminder to myself that God bought my redemption at the cost of his blood and life. This is a reminder that everything I do cannot be sacrificed as a pleasing aroma to God if it does not entail true worship from within: a daily giving up of my will and desires, and a constant frustration and death to my will. God wants my all - all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength - and I am determined to work towards that. Day by day. Lead me, dear Shepherd, to love you so much that I will follow you to the end even if it required my life.

I will not offer anything that costs me nothing
I'll place before Him nothing less than my very best
And if I'm called to sacrifice, it will be worthy of my Christ
I will not offer anything, that cost me nothing
~~David Archer, "Anything that Costs Me Nothing"

Preface to the Allegory
But the High Places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of self to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified. The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things which happen to us. Every acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth.

~~Hannah Hurnard in "Hinds' Feet on High Places"(11-12).

Stubborn love

2011-03-22T13:48:00.001+08:00

I need your stubborn love. Never let go of me.

My Birthday Wish (March 21, 2011)

2011-03-20T23:34:00.002+08:00

I love you, Lord; you are my strength (Psalms 18:1)

I’m going to deviate from my usual Thanksgiving yearly updates and make this a birthday update instead.

March 2011 is going to be so memorable for me: Japan’s earthquake/tsunami; my sister Erna gave birth to her second baby girl Adriel Xavienne; the UN conducted air strikes against Libya; my tourist visa for Canada got approved so I can finally visit my family after 5 years - and all on my birth month!

God impressed this verse on my heart, and it means so much. It means a lot because I love being strong, independent, and in control. I love planning in advance, making sure my ducks are in a row, and that I follow my own rules because I think they will work.

Well, in the past few months God has taught me that I am NEVER in control, that I’m not as strong as I thought I was, and that I have not really loved God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

What does it mean to love God and fall in love with Him, really? I find myself struggling with this concept because I can say that I’m THANKFUL for his provision, GRATEFUL for his care, that I am AMAZED at might and the beauty of creation, that I am IN AWE at his holiness. But do I love God as he deserves to be loved?

Loving God through my whole life has been a rush: spontaneous, filled with spine-tingling moments where my pulse races and I feel ecstatic… yet I have yet to learn the deep-rooted and abiding love that comes from daily communion with God. I have yet to learn the slow and steady putting down of my roots in his love, and Him making his home in my heart as I trust Him (Ephesians 3:7).

Love isn’t just a spine-tingling “kilig to the bones” feeling; it is the daily frustration of my own desires, knowing that I am giving up myself, and sacrificing my own will at his altar, leading to inner peace. I don’t deny my desires and my dreams for they are always in my heart and the back of my mind. Yet when I find myself wanting to take control again, like an obedient child, I will return my “toys” to the shelf so I can spend time in His presence – His presence is what will give me full joy.

Faithfulness, loyalty, obedience on a daily basis is hard, but because I want to learn to really love God, I must learn to do so on a D-A-I-L-Y basis. If love is obedience, loyalty, faithfulness, the desire not to sin, to ask for his blessing and guidance, and the desire to do his will - then I have not loved at all.

When you really want to love someone with every fibre of your being, be prepared to be asked of the things most important to you; loving is sacrifice, and requires the highest offering to a God that deserves your all. God has asked of me things that I held so dear, because he wants me to love Him first. It hurts, but I am learning that loving God is taking up my cross and following Him.

A few nights ago, I was walking and frustrated. “Why am I having a hard time saying I LOVE YOU, LORD?” It would be so easy to say, “I love you, because you granted my tourist visa.” It must be something deeper than that! Is it because he is good? Generous? Kind? Just?

In the midst of the preparations that the Christian churches around the world are making for Easter, Jesus reminded me that he died for me, so that I would be his: redeemed, restored, in perfect union with Him – the highest expression of love. I found my eyes brimming with tears, which eventually made their way down my cheek, as I whispered, “I love you Lord…thank you for dying on the cross for me so that I might be yours.”

When my heart starts to long for someone, something, someday…I remember that I am not making it on my own strength at all. It’s a great feeling to know that I am not strong so that in my weakness, His grace is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Here is my birthday wish for you all:

“And may you have the power to understand, as God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.” (Ephesians 3:18)

Take it away

2011-03-17T13:21:00.002+08:00

Brothers and sisters, ask God to take away everything you hold dear...so that we will learn to love God wholly. Ask him to teach you to love him more than you ever have or imagined; only then can we fully trust him when we start loving him with all our passions.

Cold in Tagaytay

2011-03-15T23:45:00.005+08:00

I'm blessed to been given a 3-day job as documentor for a seminar. A documentor basically writes down everything that goes in seminar proceedings and reports this to the organization that hires him/her at the end of the seminar. So I'm in Tagaytay right now with a group of 20+ government employees that I've worked for before (also as documentor).

I'm alone in my hotel room but tomorrow night I'll join another girl. For now I am relishing my privacy. My balcony sliding doors are facing Laguna de Bay here in Tagaytay. I don't even have to turn on the AC as it is so cold up here in the hills. The wind is blowing hard against this side of the hotel. I feel God's might and strength in the whipping winds as it makes my balcony sliding doors creak.

The sound reminds me of the recent power of nature unleashed in Japan, and I remember the miserable cold that the homeless Japanese have to endure. On the TV news just now, I see images again of people poking through rubble, searching for loved ones or mementos that survived the quake/tsunami, and my heart breaks.

In moments like these I wish I had a loved one close by in this hotel room, to cuddle up with, hold, comfort and be comforted. It doesn't matter who it is, as long as I'm not alone. It could be my mom, my sister, a husband - I long for human company as my heart is sad for the world's events.

God has provided me a chance to go up to the hills and rest. The work is not easy and is actually physically and mentally tasking. However, the hotel is restful and new, the air clean and fresh, and I am away from the traffic and congestion of Manila. I've been up since 4:45 this morning and really should go to bed, as I had barely three hours of sleep. It's my fault I packed so late and spent majority of last night talking to my family online.

I don't want to sleep because I want to spend the rest of night praying for the world and in some ways, I feel like I don't want to stop praying until I have no breath left..or at least until I doze off.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. (Psalm 16:5)

The Lord reminds me that he still holds the world in his hands. He holds the future in his hands - and he holds mine. Many times throughout the day I still find my heart longing...and worrying. Although I've learned to worry less, it is when I am physically and emotionally down that it's harder. It's in times like these that I ask God to turn my heart to him and to fill that longing inside me.

I'm not exactly jumping up and down for joy, but I am more at peace and the joy I feel comes from a deep place inside me.

Do not fret for it only leads to evil (Psalm 38:7)

My body can rest because the Lord is in my tomorrow. What do I do after my masters program? Who do I end up marrying? Will I EVEN ever get married? Will I be able to serve God with my degree? Will I end up taking of my parents when they get old (meaning can I migrate to live close to them)? Will I have my own family? Will I ever get out of the mess I've been and be worthy to be called his servant? Will I always be the stupid vulnerable sheep that the Shepherd loves to rescue? When will I get my hinds' feet and leap up on the high places? When will my Much-Afraid heart become Grace and Glory?

Being unsure of myself is a radical reversal from who I thought I was. It is a good reversal. If I am unsure of my heart and my mind, then I can be sure IN THE LORD. If I thought that I was confident and absolute about what I needed, wanted, or was - I am not now. I'm learning to let my fists unclench and put them in the Savior's hand.

Hebrews says whatever we claim on earth we claim in the heavens. Due to recent personal upheavals, I find that it is very challenging to be an adult believer who desperately wants to walk with my Savior. I guess what I'm trying to say that sometimes it's so hard to put words to my feelings. So I imagine myself like a child, with a child's heart. The kingdom of heaven is those with childlike hearts - full of faith.

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.(Psalm 15:5-6)

And so I imagine myself walking with the Savior, holding on to his hand as we travel the path he has chosen. He has promised excellent things for me, but I see so many distracting things along the way. Jesus reminds me to hold on to his hand, to never let go, and to walk on the same path as he. Sometimes I see something bright and pretty and my heart longs for it. Jesus patiently waits while I stop and pause to admire. His hand doesn't let go. I stretch a little bit to get closer and start to stray from the path. It is in these moments that I'm teaching my heart to pause, and to look back at Jesus' face. His look is loving and he says, "No, that's not what I have for you. We still have a long ways to go, but I promise you that it will be an awesome walk together." So I continue walking with the Savior, for HIS presence is my ultimate gift. Whatever he has prepared for me is wonderful I'm sure, but will never compare to just HIM.

If I could just remember this ALL THE TIME in my adult walk with Christ, how much faith like a child I would have! And so I will keep this image in thought all the time because it helps me, it really, really, really does.

"Are we there yet, Lord? Is this what you have promised for me?" The Savior says, "Not yet." So I am learning to stop asking, "Am I there yet?" and instead to enjoy the Savior's presence and company. I am asking God to teach me to love him, to be excited to read his "love letters" and to hear his voice. I asked God to teach me to fall in love passionately with him, like I have NEVER ever before.

Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, my heart and pulse quickened at thought that I'd get some down time to read my Bible and pray. Isn't that what we feel when we want read love letters or even check our inbox for an email from family, friends, or a loved one? I'd forgotten what the Savior's voice sounded like for the longest time, until his gentle whisper was buried in the rubble of pride, sin, and control. Until he allowed a tsunami to ravage the walls, the moats, bridges, and the fort that I had built for myself. I had no choice but to cling to him, and let him build me from the ground up.

Letting go of my own control is like a paradigm shift, a new lifestyle, and it's strange. It is strange because it is so contrary to my own nature - which means I'm on the right path. For what relationship would it be if I found everything so easy? I don't want to be strong and happy only in the good times, but resilient and rooted when the high winds and the storms batter me.

I said to the Lord, "You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you. (Psalm 16:2)

For most of my life I have never had to fight hard for what I want, because I've had it kinda easy with many things. The result? Complacency. I don't want to be complacent. I want to be disciplined and to work hard at something, knowing that it is WORTH IT and worth fighting for. The Master and my loyalty and faithfulness are worth fighting for. He is good to me, he loves me, and has laid his life down for me.

My love for Jesus and his love for me is worth holding on to fiercely, like I would guard myself against others lovers who try to get my attention. He deserves my whole attention and devotion and I will not give him any less. He will guard all that is MINE if I let him, if I don't let go of his hand; if I look at his face when I start to long and strive for other things apart from him.

And his promises?

I will be filled with joy because of you...(Psalm 8:2)

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice...(Psalm 16:11)

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. (Psalm 16:9)

Japan's tsunami

2011-03-12T03:15:00.001+08:00

I can't believe what just happened in Japan.

A few years ago I experienced an evacuation to the higher slopes of Saipan. It was scary then, but a bit funny when I look back at the panic I felt.

I'm sure it's not funny for Japan right now.

My heart bleeds for Japan. I love Japan and fell in love with this country after traveling to it four times or so.

The last time I was this stuck to the computer screen was the countdown to Chile's 33 Miners. I didn't want to go to sleep because I wanted to see every update, but I had to. When I woke up, I saw the good news in my inbox, an email from a friend who also stood watch for the rescue countdown.

But when I wake up tomorrow the news will just get worse. Father, hold our nations in your hand.

Have mercy on your people, Lord.

My smile

2011-03-10T00:18:00.006+08:00

Me, Alex, Jean

My smile is one of my favorite things about me, and it's the most commented and complimented feature as well. I likes my eyes too, because they're so expressive and they were MY mother's favorite feature when I was a baby.

A few hours ago, my friend Marquis Williams said, "You have a very big welcoming smile." He was referring to my profile picture that I'd posted on my Facebook account. The picture was taken when Jean Barcena, Alex Tan and I were about to blow our birthday cake in celebration of the March of the Penguins.

The March of the Penguins is what is fast becoming a tradition for the UP Diliman Navigators alumni now. This is our second or third year, I think. All those celebrating their birthdays get together and celebrate with other friends. It's an excuse for a reunion and saves time and money too!

We most often think of the body parts we love to hate - or just plain hate. We women usually answer with: my behind, legs, cheekbones, hair, skin, face, etc. Why can't we think more of the God-given features that make us happy and bring others joy? More so, why can't we focus on our strengths while asking God to help us with our weaknesses?

I'd like to think that my smile would invite people in, draw them in welcome, and hopefully not scare them off. My only problem is that I wear glasses most of the time, and I find that can be a little bit daunting. Let's hope the smile offsets the severe look of my frames.

I can smile in joy or in excitement. I can also smile in appreciation and admiration. I might smile to tease or poke fun at a friend. I'd rather smile because I am thankful and full of joy. Even if there is no possible reason to smile, I will remember my Lord and my God and his love for me and I will rejoice!

"Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice."
~1 Chronicles 16:10 (NIV)

"Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice."
~Philippians 4:4 (NIV)

Canada, here I come!

2011-03-09T23:28:00.002+08:00

My tourist visa application for Canada was approved and arrived in via special courier this morning! While I was still in slumberland, my housemate Karmina received the packet from the Canadian Embassy in Manila. And when I woke up, my other housemate Jean told me, "I have a surprise for you!" And indeed it was a surprise of the most wonderful kind. I opened the brown envelope and the first thing I was was my passport, opened to the page with the visa sticker: APPROVED.

This is much awaited news, but it means more than traveling to North America for the first time. For me it means being reunited with my mother and youngest sister Trina after 5 years or so. I saw my dad and sister Erna two years ago, but I've really missed Trina and mama. I've also had two opportunities to travel to North America in the last few years but my application for visas have been denied.

I believe God has his hand in this, and wants this. I am blessed and I feel joy, love, and I'm asking God to instill in me not just excitement but a sense of purpose for going to Canada.

My family is FOR SURE lining up things to do with me. Trina is already listing what places and hang-outs she wants to show me; I can't wait to talk for hours with her during bedtime.

I can't also wait to spend time with my Mama in the kitchen, cooking, talking, and doing mom-daughter stuff. As for my Papa, it will be good to hear him preach again and to hold many long conversations about God and his strong and deep walk with Jesus. I have much to learn.

This dream was planted by my friend Justin Poe - a seed of a dream - when I was too hopeless to even dream for myself. It was borne out of a compassionate desire to see me reunited with my family. The dream took on form and shape, and now it has borne fruition through God's grace and provision.

Not all dreams though come from God or are approved of God. I've had many dreams in the past that were dashed to pieces or taken away...or outright told, "No, this is not what I want for you." THIS though, is a clear leading from the Lord that he has hand on it. "I am blessed and highly favored!" as Pastor Greg Dickerman in Saipan Community Church says.

Indeed, I am. I am counting my blessings and looking forward to celebration in praise of his love and goodness!

Coming down from the mountain

2011-03-04T17:55:00.000+08:00

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai, with the two tablets of the testimony in his hand as he came down from the mountain, Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God. (Exodus 34:29)

But I can't stay on the mountain forever, Lord. Make my face reflect your glory as I share to your people your covenant with me.

Thank you, Papa

2011-03-04T01:47:00.003+08:00

Papa, I thank you for listening and understanding my heart and my spirit. I cherish your fatherly and godly advice. You and mama have never given up on me...I know you really, really, really love me.

God's unfailing love

2011-03-03T22:49:00.003+08:00

‎"Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house; I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe." (Ps 5:7)

Thank you Father for your love that never fails. If it was up to my love, I'd never get past the front steps. Your love makes it possible for me to draw near and be in your presence.

As I was reading Psalms 5, it hit me that God's love is so deep and unfailing that it is this love that makes it possible for us to enter into his presence, and draw near to him. Yes, God hates murderers, liars, and the wicked. I have harbored deep anger, said untruths, and disobeyed God so many times that I do deserve to be on God's "10 Most Wanted" list. Yet because He is love, He promises to let me into his presence if I just stop doing things that grieve His heart and harm me.

If it was up to me, I would never be able to draw near. God knew that my humanity, frailty, disposition to sin, and fickle heart would never make His standard of holiness and love. So he IS unfailing love, that I might enjoy His presence - that He might show Himself and His glory to me. ME.

Thank you Father. May I continue to hold this AWE in my soul and spirit, as I worship you. May I never lose this awe of your unfailing love.

Signs of summer

2011-03-03T01:08:00.002+08:00

Summer is almost here, and it's being heralded by so many Filipino images.

A few buildings from where I work is a sari-sari store (variety store) and outside it one afternoon was someone selling halo-halo! The halo-halo vendor has been there almost everyday now. We all know what halo-halo means! It means a sweet desert in crushed ice waiting to be devoured on a hot summer's day.

The trees in UP Diliman are also shedding their leaves, and the streets and sidewalks have been covered in brown leaves and branches - more than the usual.

The air is warmer and more humid. I know, because the moment I step out of the house, I start sweating. We got a reprieve today and yesterday, though. We're catching the tail end of La Nina and so we've been having rains, which means I have not been able to run on campus so I'll just do my workout at home - on my exercise mat.

Street vendors are now hawking inflatable toys for the beach and the pools. On the corner of Commonwealth Ave and Maginhawa Street in PHILCOA, I saw a row of inflated adult penguins and baby penguins. It looked like a family of inflatable penguins. It made me smile :)

The malls are decorating with a summer/beach theme and selling swimsuits. Pretty soon it'll be the graduation theme, for graduation ceremonies all over the country which happens at the end of March or beginning of April.

It's also MARCH. Which means in a month, it will be April and temperatures will start soaring, and all you'll hear is people complaining, "IT'S SO HOT."

Across the world though, it is still winter. In some areas, spring is starting to show itself and the temperatures are a tad more tolerable. My sister Trina told me that last week she went ice-skating twice. That means that it's still cold enough in Ottawa to keep their rivers frozen enough to skate on.

The birth of Jesus was probably around spring, when the temperatures in Israel were warm enough for the birthing of ewes. The shepherds were out in the fields and the hills, watching over the sheep. That's when the angels appeared to them and told them not to fear.

The star guided the wise men to search for the baby Jesus.

The prophets of old read in their holy texts of the birth of a Messiah.

John, the baptist the angel Gabriel, Joseph's dream, the prophecies of old, God's promises in scripture - all these have pointed to the birth of our Savior and the one who would be our redemption and hope.

Lord, teach us to watch out for the signs and signals that you are drawing near to us, so that we may draw near to you. May our spirits ever vigilant to your Spirit, that we may hear every instruction, command, encouragement, or correction that you have for us. May our hearts be attuned to yours so that we might learn to love like you do and grow more like Christ everyday, in every way.

My Valentine's Day

2011-03-02T01:16:00.002+08:00

I smiled on Valentine's Day and cried the day after. My heart hurt so much and sometimes I don't know if I'll recover. Many times I am filled with thoughts of shame and unworthiness when I look at my past and how I have given my heart over and over again, only to have it returned to me. The only thing I can do is turn my face to God, and let him love me, and call me Beloved. I'm learning to look to the Giver of Life, the Lover of my soul, to seek first for my Beloved because I am His. I am asking Him to teach me to love like He did, like He does. I am asking Him to teach me to seek Him alone and to let Him satisfy my heart and my soul, for He is enough.

A few months ago as I went through a period of asking whether God could still accept my broken heart, I came across another of Tenth Avenue North's songs, Beloved. If I get married, I want to play this song on my wedding day. If not, I'll just keep on playing it as a reminder of God's love and grace.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to me

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Times by Tenth Avenue North

2011-03-02T00:58:00.004+08:00

This is one of my "comforting" songs. It speaks straight to my heart and echoes what I feel. This song was introduced to me by my friend Justin Poe. I remember listening to this and just breaking down in the chorus because I was once more reminded about God's constant love for me in the midst of my own disappointments in myself, my failures, my longings, and my seeming inability to love or be loved. You can listen to Times here.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

2011-03-02T00:51:00.002+08:00

Here's a link to By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North. I was introduced to this band when my friend Nicole Flenniken sent me a CD with a compilation of songs that had encouraged her deepest and darkest and lowest moments.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Love Me Where You're At

2011-03-01T23:08:00.004+08:00

I'm reposting an email that my Auntie Jasmin sent me in October 2010. I didn't read it right away, so it sat in my drafts box as a reminder that I had something to reply to or to read. It spoke to me during a low point in my life when I asked God, "What do you want of me?" I hope you will be encouraged by this excerpt from Francis Frangipane's book.

Love Me Where You're At
By Francis Frangipane

I have discovered that, as we seek the Lord, our most difficult periods can be transformed into wonderful breakthroughs into God's love. For me, one such season occurred during the years 1979 to1981. The association of churches with which I was aligned had fallen under spiritual deception. Not only were its core doctrines increasingly seeded with New Age influences, but immorality crept in, and key leaders began leaving their wives for other women. I could no longer remain silent. As a result, in 1979 I left my congregation in Detroit, Michigan, where I had served as pastor, and traveled to the organization's regional headquarters in Iowa. I came to plead for repentance. However, after meeting with the senior leaders, I was asked to leave the group.

So here we were – we had left our church, we had no money, and we had four little children; we couldn't even afford basic housing. Desperate for anything, we finally found an old farmhouse in rural Washington, Iowa. The home was over a hundred years old, but it actually looked much older. After negotiating with the landlord, we were given a year of free rent provided I did basic repairs to the house, such as cleaning and painting.

Even so, the house needed more than I could provide. The furnace did not work well, so we installed a wood burner stove in the kitchen. That first winter, it turned out, was one of the coldest in Iowa's history. Frost formed on the inside walls, spreading a foot or two around each window; wind chills dropped to 60 below, and even colder on several occasions.

To keep warm each night, the whole family cuddled tightly on one large mattress on the dining room floor, about 18 feet from the wood burner in the kitchen. A fan behind the stove nudged warm air in our direction. My nightly project, of course, was to build enough heat in the stove to keep us warm until morning.

While I worked the fire, I also would pray and seek God. The wood burner became a kind of altar to me, for each night as I prayed, I offered to God my unfulfilled dreams and the pain of my spiritual isolation. Yes, I knew the Lord was aware of our situation. Though we had virtually nothing, He showed Himself to us in dozens of little ways. I just didn't know what He wanted of me.
As the seasons came and went, another child was born, and then we fostered a young girl from Vietnam, giving us six children. Still, as the family grew, the little area around the wood burner became a hallowed place to me. Even in the summer, I would sit on the chair next to the stove and pray and worship.

I would like to say I found the joy of the Lord during this time, but in truth, though I gradually adjusted to my situation, I felt an abiding misery in my soul. Our deep poverty was an issue (I barely made $6,000 a year), but more than that, I felt like I had missed the Lord. My continual prayer was, "Lord, what do You want of me?"

Three years of seeking God passed, and I still carried an emptiness inside. What was God's will for me? I had started a couple Bible studies and spoken a few times in churches, but I so identified with being a pastor that, until I was engaged again in full-time ministry, I feared I had lost touch with God's call on my life.

In spite of this inner emptiness concerning ministry, I actually was growing spiritually, especially in areas that were previously untilled. I went through the Gospels, hungry to study and obey the words of Christ. Previously, I had unconsciously defined a successful ministry as something born of my performance. During this time, however, the Lord reduced me to simply being a disciple of Jesus Christ.

Indeed, a number of things I thought were biblical I discovered were really just religious traditions. The Lord desired that I take inventory of my heart and examine those few truths for which I would be willing to die. He said the truths for which I would die, for these I should live.

Frankly, things like the timing of the rapture or nuances about worship style or spiritual gifts dropped in their priority, though I still considered them important. Rising to the top of my focus was a passion to be a true follower of Jesus Christ – to obey His teachings and approach life not merely as a critic but more as an encourager. I also found myself increasingly free to enjoy and learn from Christians from other streams and perspectives.

Yet, these changes, though deep and lasting, occurred slowly, almost imperceptibly. They were happening quietly in my heart, and only in hindsight did I see what the Lord had done. Throughout this time, I was preoccupied with feelings of detachment from God's will. My prayer to know the Lord's plan for me continued daily.

The Breakthrough One day, as I stood in the kitchen pantry, I repeated again my abiding prayer: "Lord, what do You want of me?" In a sudden flash of illumination, the Lord answered. Speaking directly to my heart, He said, "Love Me where you're at."

In this time and season, remember, I was not a pastor or minister. I was a television repairman doing odd jobs on the side to provide for my family. I hated what I was doing. In my previous church I taught against TV and now I was "laying hands" on television sets and raising them from the dead! The Lord's answer cut straight to my heart. I was awed at its simplicity! I asked, "Love You where I am at? Lord, is that all You want of me?" To this He responded, "This is all I will ever require of you."

In that eternal moment peace flooded my soul and I was released from the false expectation of ministry-driven service. God was not looking at what I did for Him, but who I became to Him in love. The issue in His heart was not whether I pastored, but whether I loved Him. To love the Lord in whatever station I found myself – even as a television repairman – this I could do!

A deep and remarkable transformation occurred in me. My identity was no longer in being a pastor but rather in becoming a true lover of God. Having settled my priorities, amazingly, just a couple days later I was invited to pastor a church in Marion, Iowa. In spite of all my previous anxiety about returning to ministry, I did not jump at the opportunity. For I had found what the Lord truly desired of me. Though I eventually accepted this call, my focus was not merely on leading a church but on loving God.

What God Seeks More than one's ministry, God seeks our love. His great commandment is that we love Him, ultimately, with all our mind, all our heart, and all our soul and strength. If we love Him, we will fulfill all He requires of us (John 14:15). And it is as we love Him that He orchestrates all things to work together for our good (Rom. 8:28).

Beloved, loving God is not hard. We can fulfill any assignment – auto mechanic or housewife, doctor or college student – and still give great pleasure to our heavenly Father. We do not need ministry titles to love the Lord. Indeed, God measures the value of our lives by the depth of our love. This is what He requires of every true God-seeker: to love Him where we are at.
Lord Jesus, the revelation of Your love has swept me off my feet. Lord, You have drawn me and I run after You. Master, even in the mundane things of life, I shall express my love for You. Consume me in Your love.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This message was adapted from a chapter in Pastor Frangipane's

newest book, And I Will Be Found By You

published by Arrow Publications.

Available at www.arrowbookstore.com

Available in paperback and ebook

Thank you, Lord

2011-03-01T13:25:00.002+08:00

Thank you Lord for saving my soul
Thank you Lord for making me whole
Thank you Lord for giving to me
Thy rich salvation so rich and free

This is one of the verses I learned and memorized as a child, listening to my dad sing it in the early mornings during his quiet times, or just singing it anytime during the day.

March 21

2011-03-01T11:15:00.000+08:00

Historically this day has been the spring equinox, and when winter season turns into spring. I guess that's a special day huh? My hasher friends always inform everyone that we revert back to meeting at 4:00 pm (as usual) for our runs. During "winter season", even if it's summer all year long in Saipan, we meet earlier at 3:00 pm.

This day is special for me because my birthday falls on March 21. Although I have yet to have an awful birthday celebration, I look back on all my birthdays and remember that I've been always surrounded by people who love me and care for me, and truly celebrated in my birth. I've stopped counting how old I am now, and the only reason I keep track is to answer those cheeky friends who dare to ask.

I wonder what God has in store for me? May I continue to seek his heart and seek his purpose for my life, as I celebrate another year.

I can't believe it's already March. 20 days to go before my birthday!

Music team

2011-02-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

I am now a member of Team 4 of TJ Talusan's Music (praise ) Team at Kamuning Bible Christian Fellowship, as a back-up singer. Nice. I'm looking forward to this. I used to be keyboardist, now I'm singer. I like it. I really do. I can't wait to start serving again in a capacity where I'm good at, and I can be my best!

Leviticus 10

2011-02-27T15:21:00.006+08:00

I'm onto Leviticus Chapter 10, and my eyes started to water with the many and precise instructions God gave to Aaron and Moses; instructions for the priesthood and for offering sacrifices for guilt and sin, peace and thanksgiving. It struck me that God doesn't want people to focus on the specifics, but his main goal is for obedience. He was training this new priesthood to follow his instructions, so that they would learn to obey, and revere him as the God who gave the instructions.

When Nadab and Abihu were struck down by God, I had to look it up in the commentary, for it seemed to harsh to be killed by the inability to follow instructions. I knew it was disobedience but I wanted a deeper motivation.

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on Leviticus 10:1-2 says:

Next to Moses and Aaron, none were more likely to be honourable in Israel than Nadab and Abihu. There is reason to think that they were puffed up with pride, and that they were heated with wine. While the people were prostrate before the Lord, adoring his presence and glory, they rushed into the tabernacle to burn incense, though not at the appointed time; both together, instead of one alone, and with fire not taken from the altar. If it had been done through ignorance, they had been allowed to bring a sin-offering. But the soul that doeth presumptuously, and in contempt of God's majesty and justice, that soul shall be cut off. The wages of sin is death. They died in the very act of their sin. The sin and punishment of these priests showed the imperfection of that priesthood from the very beginning, and that it could not shelter any from the fire of God's wrath, otherwise than as it was typical of Christ's priesthood.

In other words, God did not strike them down for a mistake, but for the sin in their hearts. I failed to see that connection. God NEVER looks at the outer trappings but at our hearts. Aaron knew this and accepted what God had done as just.

Leviticus 10:3-7 is again given commentary:

The most quieting considerations under affliction are fetched from the word of God. What was it that God spake? Though Aaron's heart must have been filled with anguish and dismay, yet with silent submission he revered the justice of the stroke. When God corrects us or ours for sin, it is our duty to accept the punishment, and say, It is the Lord, let him do what seemeth him good. Whenever we worship God, we come nigh unto him, as spiritual priests. This ought to make us very serious in all acts of devotion. It concerns us all, when we come nigh to God, to do every religious exercise, as those who believe that the God with whom we have to do, is a holy God. He will take vengeance on those that profane his sacred name by trifling with him.

God did indeed look into the heart of Aaron in the next passages, but with compassion and kindness when his two remaining sons made another mistake. Adam Clarke's Bible Commentary on Leviticus 10:19-20 says this:

The excuse which Aaron makes for not feasting on the sin-offering according to the law is at once appropriate and dignified; as if he had said: "God certainly has commanded me to eat of the sin-offering; but when such things as these have happened unto me, could it be good in the sight of the Lord? Does he not expect that I should feel as a father under such afflicting circumstances?" With this spirited answer Moses was satisfied; and God, who knew his situation, took no notice of the irregularity which had taken place in the solemn service. To human nature God has given the privilege to weep in times of affliction and distress. In his infinite kindness he has ordained that tears, which are only external evidences of our grief, shall be the outlets to our sorrows, and tend to exhaust the cause from which they flow.

Thank you Father for showing me that with your exacting and perfect standards, you expect the highest performance of holiness from your priesthood. I am called into your spiritual priesthood. Keep me holy and remind me in your goodness and graciousness when I err, and when I need to come before you for forgiveness and absolution of my sins, so that I might never make light of your divinity and your righteousness.

Canada here I come

2011-02-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

This application was picked up by the official courier for the Canadian Embassy, Manila. I was told that the service operates from 8 am to 6 pm. My documents got picked up at 6:10 pm. SIGH. I waited the whole day at home, got a two-hour nap after lunch, and managed to still fine-comb the requirements before I sealed it in a long brown envelope...but not before I gave it a kiss for luck. Please, please, please let me visit my parents and sister this spring!

As the world quiets

2011-02-26T18:19:00.001+08:00

By night on my bed I sought him,
He whom my soul loveth so.

"Come to me, Shepherd! come quickly! Make no tarrying, O my Lord," (Much Afraid -Hinds' Feet on High Places)

Father, last night you took me in your arms and I let you see my heart. I mean, you see my heart always but it's different when I let you in. Thank you for not condemning or judging me when I let my walls down. I must have looked so childish by pretending that I was alright, but I called you and you came. I asked to sit on your lap, and you let me. I asked to lay my head on your shoulder, and you let me. You pur your arms around me, and you comforted me with your love.

I found it hard to pray, and yet I did. I prayed for my loved ones, those special and close to my heart. I prayed that you would keep on blessing, loving, comforting, and keeping them in your hand. I asked that you would rest their weary heads and hearts as they slept. I prayed for those in my time zone. I prayed for those on the opposite side of the world.

Father, as my tears rolled down my cheeks, it felt wonderful to be in your presence. Your love and your Spirit were a soothing balm to my soul. I stopped thinking of the future, wondering why things didn't go my way, and I just concentrated and enjoyed a timeless and sweet commune with you, until I fell asleep with your love covering me like blanket.

It takes two to whisper quietly

2011-02-26T02:26:00.001+08:00

I've yearned for a someone who will whisper quietly in my ear.

God, you whisper in my ear because I want a relationship with you, so intimate that, even if you don't shout I will know what's on your heart. I want my heart to reflect your heart.

Walk with me, as I twine my fingers through yours. I'd like to lean on your strength, cry on your shoulder, sit on your lap, and listen to your comforting whispers.

Words

2011-02-26T01:51:00.000+08:00

I'm going through a rough time in my life right now, and words have left me. I have the capacity to put my feelings to words, and suddenly I can't write what I feel. I can't think. All I have are emotions that rage and flare and dip and bend and turn and ebb and flow. Maybe I just need to feel. But I can't just feel. Because I need to be able to express my feelings in some way. And not being able to write as I want to is frustrating.

No pain, no gain

2011-02-23T12:05:00.003+08:00

I've been working hard on strengthening my core muscles, and I've been doing mat exercises when I get home. I just pop in a movie or play something on my laptop. Sometimes it's just reruns of Harry Potter to serve as white noise while I stretch and grunt my way through. I find that if it's a new movie, then I can't concentrate. But if it's an old movie, then I don't have to worry about concentrating on every word in every conversation.

That way I can hold my Plank position for a minute, and hear a dialogue, yet still imagine the visual in my head.

My waistline and hips still leave much to be desired, but my pain is gaining some success. I feel my posture getting better (of course that happens when your back and stomach muscles are stronger) and I don't slouch...or I don't feel that I'm slouching as much. Of course then my breathing gets better and so more oxygen courses through my body.

I was in a physical and emotional one-week slump starting last February 15, and I really didn't want to leave the house. Then my hormones played games with me. Stress does that.

Anyway, I find that I'm finding more desire to pray for the brethren in the spiritual family. It's like I've taken this personal desire to cry over people's crises and their needs and pray for it.

But I woke up on Monday, a week later, with a hopeful heart. I can't explain it. I asked God to take my heart everyday in its selfishness, crookedness, brokenness. I offer it everyday because I know that I can't assure him that my heart will be as kind, good, loving, and faithful tomorrow. So it's a cycle of daily laying down my heart as an offering to God and that includes all of my desire, hopes, dreams, pride, and my gains.

It's hard, and it's painful, but God requires my all. Everyday.

Take my life Lord and let it be
Consecrated Lord to Thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise

Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. ~ Romans 12:1

Happy Birthday Mama!

2010-10-14T23:30:00.003+08:00

This is a tribute to Fe, my mama's 68th birthday. I want her to know how much I appreciate and love her through this little walk down memory lane. Happy birthday mama!

My memories of mama during my school years are strongly linked to school projects, activities, and performances. She’s always been the beaming mother from the audience, the costume designer with a critical eye, or the observant musician who says that I need more practice.

One thing I know for sure, she's always proud and supportive. I must have had countless glee club and performing arts rehearsals in elementary and high school. She always let me stay late, even if it means coming home at midnight. I always knew she’d wait for that knock on the front door, the sound of a car dropping me off at home, and knew that she’d leave dinner for me – in case I hadn’t eaten yet.

As much as I hated looking for costumes, we would spend hours at the stores, looking for the right sandals or cloth to make my outfit. I learned to tell cotton from rayon, silk from polyester, because of her watchful eye and discerning hand on all those bolts.

I remember going from store to store, on the hunt for the perfectly-matched tights and leotard in the colors that I wanted. You know, I never thought money was an issue back then, but for a non-working mother who was depended on her husband's ministerial salary (because she stopped teaching to raise us 3 daughters), it must have taken a lot of faith to buy the uniforms and costumes that I needed and wanted.

Can I add the school parades, girl scout uniforms, Christmas cantatas, piano recitals,
and gymnastics and Hawaiian dance lesson? I look back at those pictures from my childhood and I may be biased, but my costumes seemed to stand out!

Mama never spared anything or skimped on anything when it came to letting me excel in the things that I loved. And she always loved hearing my stories after I returned from a regional NAMCYA (The National Music Competitions for Young Artists) from Pagadian,
Dipolog, or Dumaguete.

And she pushed me to memorize my spelling demons over AND over again until I got mad at her, but I did win the Zamboanga City Inter-school Spelling Competition for 1995, hosted by WRock!

I may have grown up learning to read music better than her, but here are some things where she can claim first dibs:

1. She learned to play violin first
2. She always knew when I was faking piano practice
3. I thought “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” was a regular love song but she knew the song’s history waaaay before I was born.
4. I thought Jolina Magdangal popularized "Paper Roses" but mama set me straight.

What can I say? My achievements and things that I am proud of – the stuff that gets you medals, ribbons, and pins – are due mainly to the unswerving commitment, support, and love of my mama who cared to be involved.

1987, Iligan City Central School

I have a picture from 4^th Grade where Mama is pinning a Girl Scout button on my uniform. I’m all smiles and so is she; Papa is taking the picture. I will always wear mama’s pin of love on my heart, shoulder, sleeve, collar…wherever I can, so that the whole world will know that the greatest reason for my achievements is my mother’s love and support.

Christmas Day Countdown

2010-10-09T17:46:00.001+08:00

If the major TV stations are doing a countdown to Christmas, I thought, "Why not me too?"

I've been complaining how Filipinos start decorating, playing Christmas songs, and selling Christmas stuff in September. Christmas has gotten so commercialized with big and small companies taking advantage of the season and of eager-beaver Filipinos, that these business folk capitalize on the feeling.

That's why I have an aversion to Christmas songs being played as early as September because as soon as December comes around, I am literally "up to my ears" in Christmas songs. What I dislike even more is the canned and pop version of beautiful classics.

"Hark, the Herald/In Excelsis Deo" in a fast 4/4 dance beat does NOT make me happy. And when music companies make a medley of all other classics, then it's even worse.

Why do the mall boutiques decorate their stores in snowflakes when we don't have snow?
Why keep on repeating songs about "Jackfrost nipping at your nose?" when the coolest we'll ever get is the low 80's?

I'd rather sing songs about "Pasko na naman muli, ang pag-ibig naghahari" (It's Christmas time again, when love reigns) or "Pasko na sinta ko, hanap-hanap kita" (It's Christmas my love, and I am looking for you").

When I hear a full orchestra playing "Hark, the Herald!" or "Hark, how the bells" then I start going crazy. And when they hit those major 7th, major 9th, and 5th notes, it's just so much richer.

So I've decided that instead of passively letting commerce and media feed me what they want, I will start my own countdown and write about what Christmas means to ME.

YouTube - Patrick Stewart interview and lap - Top Gear - BBC

2010-07-31T18:13:00.000+08:00

YouTube - Patrick Stewart interview and lap - Top Gear - BBC

That's Capt. Jean-Luc Picard for you, looking good as ever!

We should be thankful for WikiLeaks - CNN.com

2010-07-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

We should be thankful for WikiLeaks - CNN.com

The Facebook Data Torrent Debacle: Q&A - Yahoo! News

2010-07-30T14:59:00.000+08:00

The Facebook Data Torrent Debacle: Q&A - Yahoo! News

JTWC — Naval Oceanography Portal

2010-07-30T01:05:00.002+08:00

This is one of my favorite websites to go to when I check on typhoons coming close to Saipan. Now, it's any typhoons coming close to the Philippines.

http://www.usno.navy.mil/JTWC

This link tells you the Warning Graphic Legend.

http://www.usno.navy.mil/NOOC/nmfc-ph/RSS/jtwc/legend/graphic_key.html

Registered UP Student

2010-07-29T13:04:00.001+08:00

I am now a bona-fide masters student at the University of the Philippines Diliman!

Here's my student ID, the most important thing to me right now as a student. Without it, I cannot enter the libraries, the sacred halls of the Arts and Science Building, or any other college for that matter. A security guard might - horror of horrors - scold me for not wearing my ID on a lanyard. I would loathe to feel like a freshman again.

Student number 96-78189. 96 is the year I enrolled as an undergraduate. Asian Center is my current college. And the orange background means that I'm a master's student. If it was red, it would mean I'm an undergraduate. It just sucks that I wore pink on the day I got my picture taken.

Guess what?

2010-07-26T14:51:00.002+08:00

It's another long story but I decided to go with the University of the Philippines!

Weekend trips and grad school update

2010-04-28T01:02:00.003+08:00

In the hectic (but good) pace of the last two weeks, I've been unable to sit down in earnest prayer ALONE to ask for God's wisdom as I choose between the University of the Philippines Diliman and Asian Theological Seminary. I was in Zamboanga City two weekends ago for a work-related event. Then I was in Baguio this past weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I have compared the factors, my career plans, and what I want to do in the long term. However, I hadn't sat down yet and asked for God's favor for whatever my choice was going to be. So last night, in the quiet of my apartment past midnigh,t I took a moment to pray for people and for my plans and bringing them to the Father. I finished my reading on Exodus - YES, I'm on my Round 2 of the Bible - and specifically asked for the Lord's blessing on my decision to stick to UP.

I called UP last week and was told that I passed the written and panel exams. I still hadn't taken the english proficiency at ATS because of schedule conflict. I knew in my heart that I'd probably end up choosing UP for ATS anyway, so why still go through the exam and pay the fees if I already knew what I wanted?

Who should I connect with on Facebook but Lorenzo Bautista, one of the senior faculty at ATS and mama's friend from 'back in the days' at ATS? He told me that if I had long-term plans for my education, then taking my masters at UP was definitely the choice. The program at UP will give me a good foundation for research that I can use later on when I pursue my PhD.

That was my CONFIRMATION and I took that as God's blessing on my decision. Isn't the Lord awesome in that when we ask for something, and he does it, it's because He wants to make his children happy?

So I will formally start my Masters in Philippine Studies, major in Foreign Relations in June. My school hours will be mostly Friday evening, and Saturday afternoon til evening. I'm excited to start and to be equipped for God's work wherever He will take me. I am looking forward to being immersed in NOW. For the past months I've been immersed in looking forward, looking somewhere else, and the Lord had THIS in mind.

I also wanted to share with you that my recent weekend trip to Baguio was a time of great conviction for me. I prayed that the Lord would bring me in contact with some spiritual giants, men and women with vision, so that my passion would get rekindled and that I would see God's work done in other arenas besides my life. I spent the weekend at the home of Ike and Liza Enriquez, our staff with the Navigators military ministry. Their daughter Grace came home from the US Air Force (based in Misawa, Japan) for a week-long mission trip, then another week at home in Baguio. I also heard the testimony of one of their guests, Carlos Cervantes (Grace's churchmate and colleague who is also visiting), whose testimony was highly encouraging to my own spiritual walk. Being witness to Ike and Liza's ministry and hearing other believers' testimonies of God's work in their lives was a powerful motivator for me.

Then two days ago, I received a belated birthday gift from one of my best friends Nicole Flenniken, a book titled "Seeing and Savoring the Glory of God" by John Piper, and in the first chapter you'll find this section:

We were made to know and treasure the glory of God above all things; and when we trade that treasure for images, everything is disordered. The sun of God's glory was made to shine at the center of the solar system of our soul. And when it does, all the planets of our life are held in their proper orbit. But when the sun is displaced, everything flies apart. The healing of the soul begins by restoring the glory of God to its flaming, all-attracting place at the center.

It made so much sense: the things I have been through for the last year or so, how things are "falling into place" now, this insistent voice compelling me to be faithful in the small things in my life so I could be faithful with the bigger things God would like to throw my way.

Nicole's card contained her personal prayer that my heart would be "opened to the HOPE to which you have called her" and ended with the encouragement to "stay faithful." My theme for 2009 was hope. It seems that my theme for 2010 will be faith and faithfulness!

Say Goodbye (Katharine McPhee)

2010-04-04T01:59:00.001+08:00

Say Goodbye
Katharine McPhee (Unbroken)

If I seem distant, baby I am
Words are like scissors, in your hands
And there's no script to follow, so I just close my eyes
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

I feel just like an actress, up on the stage
I can't believe, what I'm hearing myself say
And a porch light is my spotlight, so I play along with this lie
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

Did you ever love me? Does it even matter?
Did you even notice, the whole word shatter?
I just want to hold you, and tell you that I'm sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus
It's too much to take in
It's hard to lose a love
But you were my best friend

So I walk this high wire, alone tonight
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

Grace-isms

2010-02-28T12:08:00.000+08:00

Here's one poem that my friend Mary Grace de Guzman that I'd like to pass along.

Your life is the song you song;
the poem you write;
the story you tell.

Sing of truth.
Write about goodness.
Tell about hope.
Live out love.

Wait and See...Trust You

2010-02-16T18:49:00.017+08:00

Wait and See...Trust You
I took a 40-minute walk on the east side of Camp Aguinaldo this afternoon during Athletics break. My neck and back hurt so I thought a good walk and fresh air would do me some good. On my way back to the office, I queued my iPod to played Brandon Heath's album, "What If." Then his song "Wait and See" came up. The chorus goes like this:

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Verse
Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'

My eyes suddenly started to fill with tears which threatened to overflow. I really didn't want some jogging soldier to come up and ask, "You okay, ma'am?" So I took deep breaths and listened more but I couldn't help it, my eyes filled with tears again so I just bowed my head during my walk.

Even with the best of my intentions, I have disappointments about myself and am aware of people's disappointments in me. Sometimes I wish I could be more than what I am now, but God used this song to remind me that...HE's not finished with me yet.

Then the song "Trust You" came up. As if to confirm the first song, this one reminded me that what I would do would never be enough. What I am now is a product of God's work in my life. This should humble me and remind me that Jesus' death on the cross has already redeemed me, set me free and that his resurrection has set in motion God's plan for God's divine reunion with us. What I will be from now on is God's work and He's not finished with me yet. Who am I to question God's redemptive work through the cross?

TRUST YOU
Brandon Heath

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

Chorus
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions,
‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame
I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I whispered "Thank you Lord" for comforting me and reminding me that his death was enough. He gave his life that I might live. With that comes giving up the "burden on my shoulder", this constant need to float and figure out the next step. There was much relief when I asked the Lord to lift my burden and continue working in my life, because I have been proud and self-centered to think that who and what I am now is not enough. I need to trust that He's not done with me yet.

I am reminded of John 15: 9-11 and this comforts me.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

p.s. Thanks, Zach M. Who knew?

You know your a Haole who has lived in Saipan IF...

2010-02-16T18:13:00.002+08:00

I saw this on my friends Mark and Brittany Sawyer's Blog. Most of these hold true for me, although I've never lived in the US. To copy their indicators, I will put asterisks on those that I have personally experienced.

I don't mind the ants, goats, geckos and roosters because I grew up used to seeing and hearing them. Saving up for water shortage was also common at one point in one of my hometowns. As far as my US Navy friends go, I've lived in a military town since I was 11 so it's nothing really new, and I love my volunteer work for MWR...except that I like to point at the obvious liberty buddies (just for fun) and pick up the occasional pale guy who needs a ride.

I am a hasher so I've laughed at, and been laughed at, more times than I can count.

Although I don't fit the bill for the term "haole" because I'm not white, or green, or new, I sure am not local! And remember, haoles who have lived in Saipan for over 25 years are still called haoles, when they really aren't anymore!

***1. You know the meaning of the word Haole.
***2..You have a cockroach story.
***3. You know what CUC, DPS, NMA, MCC, SIS, MHS, and various other 3 letter acronyms mean.
***4. You have grown to love the sound of geckos "barking".
5. You have made the aircon cold enough to make you wear sweats and make hot chocolate or chili because you are missing winter.
***6. You give or receive directions in relation to the nearest school bus stop.
***7. You have had to draw a map to your house so that you can get utilities turned on.
***8. You've waited for more than 2 months for a box to arrive from the States.
***9. You've had to explain that Saipan uses US postage at least a thousand times.
***10. You've laughed at the Stateside postal worker who says a priority mail package will get to Saipan in 2-3 days.
***11. You've had to explain where on Earth Saipan is more times than you can count.
***12. You've had an argument with a mail order company, trying to convince them that you don't have to pay international shipping.
13. Geckos or ants on your table at a restaurant doesn't faze you any longer.
***14. You arrive to an event 15 minutes late and find that you are early.
***15. You've watched the Tourist Channel and wondered why they don't put English subtitles on it. 16. You've heard the story about how the Tourist Channel guy lost his leg.
17. You were surpised to see the Tourist Channel guy on Guam's Tourist Channel, too.
18. You've had to shower with the hose outside because the water is off for some unknown reason in your house.
***19. Your digital clock time is always fast.
20. You've heard roosters crowing at all hours of the day.
21. You know the goat who hangs out with dogs.
22. Cows along the side of the road don't faze you.
23. You have a US Navy visit story, which most likely includes a conversation about someone "just wanting to sleep on your couch".
***24. You have more than one scar on your leg from coral.
***25. You've grown to love the boonie dogs who sit in the middle of the road.
***26. You've paid less for a beer than a soda at a bar.
***27. You've paid more than $4 for a Bud.
28. You have a "drunken dancing" story.
***29. You use the phrases "off island", "same-same", & "air con" (which were never part of your vocabulary before)
***30. You now have poor grammar.
31. You know how to say 'yes' with your eyebrows and point with a pucker of your lips.
***32. You own more than one set of snorkel gear.
***33. Tape holds some part of your car together.
***34. You've had to set your VCR time twice in one day because there were multi power outages.
***35. You are familiar with the 'aisle of Spam' at Price Costco.
***36. You've filled your bathtub with water because there is a typhoon warning.
***37. You keep your bread in the refrigerator, along with your cereal.
38. You have made a conscious effort to not compare grocery prices with US grocery stores.
***39. You have to go to more than one grocery store to find all the ingredients for a meal and usually have to end up at Sugar Dock.
***40. You will occasionally pay $7 a gallon for fresh milk and savor its goodness with oreo cookies.
***41. You've woke to a funky smell in your house and realize it is only your water.
***42. People have had to get out of your car because the speed bump is so high.
***43. You get very excited when a movie opens in Saipan on the same day as it opens in the states.
***44. You have banana catsup and tabasco sauce in your refrigerator.
45. You know all the news and happenings in San Fransisco.
***46. You forget that the news or sporting event you are watching is probably a week late.
***47. You know more doctors, lawyers, and teachers than you did in the states.
***48. You've eaten sushi, red rice, chicken keulgeun, fried chicken, kim-chee, coco, and macaroni and cheese at one meal.
***49. Sometimes you just have to get off "this rock"!
***50. You can identify tropical fish by name.
***51. You have honked and waved at campaigners at an intersection.
***52. You've considered adopting or have adopted a boonie dog or cat.
***53. You want to do an "Island Hopper" trip.
54. A visit to Kmart in Guam is a 'religious' experience.
***55. You've been to all or one of the following: Cairns, Australia; Hong Kong; or Bali.
56. You have enough frequent flyer miles for a free trip after one trip to the States.
57. You've been on at least one Hash where someone has fallen at some point (even if it is because someone is laughing to hard).58. You know the agony of a flight that is over 8 hours long.
***59. You know the joy of going 'home' and the sorrow of leaving 'home'.
***60. You've made some of the best friends of your life.

Hey Leonardo by Blessed Union Of Souls

2010-02-01T15:09:00.002+08:00

Hey Leonardo
Blessid Union Of Souls

She don't care about my car
She don't care about my money
And that's real good cause I don't got a lot to spend
But if I did it wouldn't mean nothin'

She likes me for me
Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
But what she sees
Are my faults and indecisions
My insecure conditions
And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She don't care about my big screen
Or my collection of DVD's
Things like that just never mattered much to her
Plus she don't watch too much TV

And she don't care that I can fly her
To places she ain't never been
But if she really wants to go I think deep down she knows that
All she has to say is when

She likes me for me
Not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in 'Fargo'
I think his name is Steve
She's the one for me
And I just can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again
And I'm so glad I found her once again
And I'm so glad I found her once again
Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark
The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end

She likes me for me
Not because I sing like Pavorotti
Or because I'm such a hottie
I like her for her
Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford
She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me
There must be something there that I don't see

She likes me for me
Not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry
Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey
I'm like the Cable Guy
But what she sees
Is that I can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again
Found her once again
I'm so glad I found her once again
Once again

Why are kenders little?

2010-02-01T09:57:00.004+08:00

“I asked my father once why kenders were little, why we weren’t big like humans and elves. I really wanted to be big. He said kenders were small because we were meant to do small things. ‘If you look at the big things in the world closely…you’ll see that they’re really made up of small things all joined together….it’s the small things that make the difference.’ We’ll leave the big things to the others…We’ll do the small thing, even if it doesn’t seem every important.”

- Tasslehoff Burrfoot the Kender (Dragons of Autumn Twilight)

Be the Best

2010-02-01T09:56:00.001+08:00

BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE
by Douglas Malloch

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill
Be a scrub in the valley--but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass,
And some highway some happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass--
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here.
There's big work to do and there's lesser to do,
And the task we must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail--
Be the best of whatever you are!

My latest favorite food: frozen yogurt

2010-01-22T11:01:00.005+08:00

I have a latest craze. I wouldn't call it an addiction yet. Just something I like to think of eating, and actually want to eat. Years ago in college I always wanted Dairy Queen's blueberry blizzards but now I'm into frozen yogurt with the toppings.

My mother makes homemade yogurt and we've always liked it. Aside from the refreshing taste, it's so healthy for you. Years ago yogurt was commercially expensive. So my mom would get "mother yogurt" and culture her own yogurt for family consumption. That was a tradition among Navigator staff wives :) and families.

In Saipan, I'd always buy from the grocery shelves that had a large variety of yogurt coming from the US. That's something that's limited in Philippine dairy products, and a bit pricey.

I had my first frozen yogurt experience in the Philippines, at Hobbes and Lands of Greenhills, Ortigas City. Mae offered a taste (but I didn't buy, because I was still so busog "full" from a kiddie birthday party) and I liked it. Hobbes and Lands by the way, is a treasure trove of toys. Kinda expensive. But if I had money I'd invest in the battle scenes with the tanks, exact renditions and replicas of the soldiers and uniforms from WWII. My dad and I would be so addicted to that.

Roovin, Grace and I also had frozen yogurt at Red Mango during our Navs reunion at Eastwood in December 2009. Predictably, I got mine with bluberries.

Last weekend, cousin Mae and I got it from Hobbes and Lands, found on High Street, The Fort, Global City. I got blueberry, mango and kiwi toppings.

Then last night Mae and I met up at Megamall to get guess what? Frozen yogurt again, this time at Red Mango, Building A, beside Bread Talk.

I got mine with blueberries (so predictable) and cereal flakes.

Mae got hers with mangoes, graham crackers and I think almond slices.

Good times. Now to run off all that sugar, because frozen yogurt isn't as healthy as you think it is.

This is where the natural yogurt should come in.

Always something there to remind me

2010-01-18T01:14:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes you forget to stop and see the beauty in what we do … you wake up…start your day… and BAMMM … there’s MT Fuji to remind you."

My friend Eileen emailed me a couple of pictures from her floating office on January 15 with the make-me-green-as-a-monster caption, "See what you missed this morning."

I replied that she got an A++ for effort in making me envious.

These pictures of Mt. Fuji taken around sunrise. Earlier, Jason had emailed me about his own view of Mt. Fuji from the ship and his plans to climb it again. Jason and I climbed up partway, although we didn't make it up to Station 2. That was my fault because we had to turn back due to my frozen bum and legs. How he was gracious is another blog topic!

There's nothing like the view of something so grand like a mountain bathed in sunrise to put things in perspective or humble oneself in the face of such beauty.

My Japan Winter Vacation Part 1: A very cold welcome

2010-01-12T23:07:00.017+08:00

I just got back from a 9-day vacation in Yokosuka, Japan!!!

I'm writing this in 27 Celsius (80.6 F) weather here in Pasig City, Philippines and I can still vividly recall how the skin at the back of my hands turned red with Yokosuka's cold afternoon air.

I flew up to Japan on December 31 at my friend Jason's invitation. I barely made the Narita Express to Yokohama with 8 minutes to spare, then took the Keikyu Line to Shioiri Station. After some confusion with Yokosuka-chuo station (Express, Limited Express, Local Train) and backtracking , I finally made my way to Jason's apartment near the Daiei mall.

The streets, the overpass, and view of the bay immediately brought back great memories of two previous trips to spend time with my good friends with the US Navy. Thanksgiving dinner 2006 was spent on the USS John McCain with my friend Sarah Helbert with CMC Terry Woodcock hosting. My 2007 trip was spent traipsing around Kanagawa.

What I was not prepared for was the shock of cold wind blowing from the sea, immediately numbing my hands, biting into my cheeks, and divesting my ears of all feeling. Of course I had a sweater but didn't think to put on gloves, a scarf, or a jacket because the trip via the trains was quite warm.

I overheard an American couple arguing about who forgot the gloves for their toddler. I saw sailors in their sweaters: hoods up, hands tucked inside the pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold. It was about 3:30 PM and temperatures were quickly dropping from 8 Celsius (35.6 F) as it got dark early. I lugged my small suitcase and weekend bag across the pedestrian lane from Yokosuka Square to Daiei Mall with one mission: get out of the cold.

As soon as I found the spare key in its secret place (can't tell you, it's top secret) I went through what I thought was the building entrance, up the elevator, and to what I thought was the right apartment.

The door wouldn't open. I stared at the key in my hand with rising horror.

I tried all techniques but the door was still locked. High up on the balcony with the ocean on this side of the building wasn't helpful. It was just colder. I could see out to nearby naval dock beside Daiei, and spotted the USS Mustin (DDG 89). I envied the warmth afforded by the grey hull.

In July of 2006 the USS Mustin came to Saipan. About 10 midshipmen on their summer cruise crammed themselves in the back of my Toyota T-100 for 2 days' worth of island fun and July 4th festivities. About 20 other sailors were also hosted by various community members. This was the Host-a-Sailor Program sponsored by the Saipan Chamber of Commerce Armed Forces Committee. I've kept and maintained some of the friendships from those few days: Ka Xiong, Will Bridges, Zach Franklin and Lindsay Bochner are all ensigns now.

Back to my rude and cold welcome...

The wind was crueler at this height, and by now it hurt my fingers to even turn the key in the lock. Now with the gloves and a bit warmer fingers, I tried and again failed. Jason had duty until 7:00 AM of the next day (January 01, 2010) so it was imperative that I find a place to keep warm that night!

My thought was, "What to do now?"

1. Find an internet station. Am I getting punked this very moment?

2. Find a way to call the ship. Drat. I don't have it his cellphone is out of reach inside the ship. I really need to find an internet shop.

The bags had to be left outside the door that wouldn't open (no matter how hard I pleaded) and trekked down to Daiei Mall.

Two helpful Japanese boys directed me to an english-speaking girl at Information and she gave the following tips:

1. Daiei Mall does NOT have an internet shop.

Are you kidding me? Japan, the leader of Asian Technology with no internet shops in this mall? I was about to go on a tirade about how crazy Filipinos are because we have internet shops every 10 steps or so...

2. But there's a 24/7 internet shop called Dice on Blue Street...

Um...it's been years...

3. Here's a map and x marks the spot.

4. No, Daiei ATM's only accept Master Card.

Whaaaaat??!!!!!

5. For VISA, you have to go to the ATM at the main Navy Base gate.

Whew. At least I knew where THAT was.

Now you might have a curious question: How can you NOT remember how to get to Blue Street?

Answer: Because the last two times I was there, I was always in a car and driven around. Spoiled. I have walked on base, in Kannonzaki, Kamakura, Tokyo, and Seiseki-Sakuragaoka, but not much in Yokosuka.

Where would I sleep? Were my bags safe where I left them? What nearby hotel should I pick?

I wish I saw a friendly face! Surely with most 7th fleet ships having made their way to Saipan, I'd recognize someone that I'd hosted before?

After getting money out of the ATM (it dispenses in US dollars and yen, by the way) who did I see waiting for his turn but Ensign Will Bridges of the USS McCampbell! He was a midshipman aboard the USS Mustin in 2006 and here he was in the flesh.

After blurting out his name (which I couldn't recall for the first 20 seconds) and the hi's and hello's, I explained my predicament. Will walked me down to Blue Street (thank you, Lord) as it was getting seriously dark at 5:00 PM. Will had a cold. I was cold.

We found Dice internet shop and I chose to pay for an hour's worth worth until 6:00 PM. You can pick a room that has an upright chair, a comfy single couch, or a long couch. Will pointed out that if things got really bad, I could get the 12-hour package with the long couch and pay only 2500 yen. I could wake up in the morning in time for Jason to come home.

Will's good deed done, he had to say goodbye because he was going to Tokyo to celebrate New Year's Eve. I was determined to deal with this little snafu.. I was cold, hungry, and tired but found the situation really funny.

Then I remember OS1 Ryan King! He recently transferred from the USS Fitzgerald (DDG 62) and was now on the USS Mustin (DDG 89). I hoped he hadn't started celebrating New Year's Eve yet. Thank goodness for Blackberries because he immediately replied to my email. He was on duty and forwarded STE's phone number.

My very helpful Japanese cashier helped me change my 500 yen into 100 yen coins and escorted me to a payphone near McDonalds. The STE connected me and I finally got hold of my host!

Here's what happened next.

1. Report: I'm here, safe, but cold and your door won't open!

Instruction: Here's how you turn the key. It should be easy. That spare key works. Call me again if you can't get in.

2. I went back to the apartment. Still couldn't open the door. The neighbor said I needed 2 keys. Maybe Jason forgot to leave the second key!

3. Walked back (from Daiei) to the same payphone on Blue Street to call Jason. I was freakin' cold and miserable. My nose hurt. My ears hurt. I forgot there was a much closer phonebooth near the Club Alliance ATM. I didn't even consider Daiei! This was something familiar, something stable in the last hour, and it was my lifeline to sanity and a clear mind.

4. Called Jason again. This time, Jason reported that his buddies were making fun of him. Serves him right :D

5. Conversation:
Me: Is there, by any chance, another apartment with the same door number as yours?
Jason: You went to the wrong BUILDING!!!!!!!!! You're killing me!!!!!!!!!!

Went back to the right building this time and OPEN SESAME! Hello blessed warmth. Jason had the thoughtful foresight to leave the heater on.

When I checked my email, there was an even more detailed map. Of course I didn't get it because it was sent on the day of my flight AND I never had time to check my email at the airports at all. I HAD gone into the wrong building, adjacent to Jason's building. The two apartments were just a few hundred feet away, separated by a doorway, and I didn't know it.

That adventure behind me, I got online and told my host that I was home safe. It was hard...as my fingers were almost frozen. I ate my cold fries and raided his fridge. A very warm ending to a cold welcome!

Falling in love 3 ways

2009-12-28T01:10:00.002+08:00

Okay, is it possible to love (or fall in love) in 3 ways? I believe so!

I fell in love with "You and Me" by Lifehouse. Granted, I had some bias because it was played during a slowdancing scene from Clark Kent and Lana Lane's prom, in the TV show Smallville. The thought of being held by someone you love (or who loves you) while you shut out the whole world is something special and beautiful...I'd actually like to experience that. I kept on listening to the song over and over and even had it as a cellphone ringtone. I appreciate the lead singer's voice and his vocal expression. Such ability to convey deep regret, angst, despair and passion. I mean, really, just listen to it and you can detect the raw emotion. That kind of vulnerability made me fall in love with Lifehouse!

Then I was a later bloomer and realized that I loved Maroon Five too. My friend Ryan King introduced them to me some years ago but I never got into them because I immediately resist anything that remotely looks like everyone else loves it. At that time though, I appreciated the upbeat tempo and catchy melodies. I don't want to go with the flow and like something just because he/she/it's famous. That's why I never had a crush on Tom Cruise. So unconsciously I refused to get into Maroon Five. Then this year, their album got loaded onto my iPod and I listened to each song. Oh my goodness, the first song alone made me dance and prance and groove and sway the whole day! The songs got me going and work was easier whenever the group sang. Late bloomer. Better late than never, in this case. Glad I fell in love!

And then there's love at first sight. Or maybe at first listen and first read? My friend Brian Terwilliger suggested that I listen to Owl City's "Vanilla Twilight." Can I pick up my jaw from the floor now? Simple melodic line, yet the lyrics are chosen with great care and convey images and feelings associated with those words. With a few simple phrases like "vanilla twilight" memories of being in such environment and certain places and times came rushing to me. It's a heady rush, to have a song acutely describe a moment of vanilla twilight. And the lyrics? Simple but direct to the point. I'm home. I've finally found a "someone" who can put to words what I'm thinking and feeling!

Yes, I am equally in love with these three. Different kinds of love, but loved equally!

Shopping Madness

2009-12-28T00:38:00.001+08:00

I was at the Greenhills mall, Manila's equivalent of Hong Kong's MongKok district, to do some post-Christmas shopping. Well, to also prepare for an upcoming trip somewhere cold. The difference? The storekeepers don't drag your arm and convince you to buy something, if you walk away because you're not interested or if you think the prices are too high. In Hong Kong you CAN'T leave without a purchase. In the Philippines, FINE it's your money and I'll find another customer who can afford my wares.

Anyway, it's my first time to shop since I arrived in the Philippines, where it's elbow-to-elbow with people. I've always shopped as soon as stores open, to avoid the big Filipino crowds, and so I can go in, get out, and be done under 3 hours. Today, I went with my sister Erna, her husband Benjie and my niece Zee.

Can I say that the stroller is probably one of top 10 favorite things in the world? I was able to use it to hang our shopping bags! Whopee! Hahahaha!

Well, today I realized my dizziness was due to too much sensory overload! After relaxed shopping atmospheres in Saipan, this citylife is still something I have a hard time reverting to.

Oh well I'm sure I'll catch up. But I still prefer shopping when there's not a ton of people.

Sabi nila...

2009-12-28T00:32:00.005+08:00

sabi nila pag gwapo ang lalake...maganda yung GF, almost perfect pa nga daw...
pero pansin niyo, pag ang girl ang maganda, hindi lahat ng nagiging GF niya gwapo.
diba?
ang girl kasi, mas tinitignan yung ugali than looks...
pero ang boy, basta maganda, at malaki ang CHURVA, kahit ugaling impakta at utak shunga-shunga, ay pwede na!

Student Visa Denied!

2009-12-14T11:45:00.000+08:00

My application for US student visa got denied. I would have been able to start my program in MS Human Resources this January 7th. I won't go into detail to discuss the reasons given to me by the consular officer. It will be enough to say that I will try again, and try other options. I'm still allowed to start in summer 2010 for the same program and same school. If I thought I was armed for my interview, I'll bring a whole arsenal with me the next time!

At the same time, I can continue working here in the Philippines and prepare for this next phase.

Stick around for the next chapter....and don't leave during commercials...you might miss the next exciting part! I don't know what that is, but I'm excited nevertheless.

To be like Mary, sitting at the feet of Jesus

2009-12-05T12:17:00.004+08:00

This entry is from May 24, 2005 of my journal, and I wanted to post it here. It's to honor the cats in my life, and to also remember that we all need to spend time with Jesus, like Mary did, to be content to sit at His foot and bask in His presence. When things get too hectic and busy, sit at His feet!

Spot is a very affectionate cat, she’s like Mary. She’s the one who spends time with me, cuddles up all the time and likes to be petted. She’s always curious in what I’m doing especially while I’m reading or writing. She’ll bite my pen, track my handwriting, walk over my book or paper and basically get in the way. But she purrs a lot when with me and likes lying between my arms as I write or read. I think she’s knowing better because she doesn’t scratch me muchUnlike Tippy who acts like she guzzled a whole can of coke. Hyper to the max, she’ll go after anything moving, including my eyelashes and toes.God, teach to love spending time with you. Give me strength in the “inner woman” and make me comprehend just how much you love me.

Grad School Anxiety

2009-12-05T11:50:00.003+08:00

Grad school here I am! Or is it too early to say that?

I just got accepted to the Masters Program in Human Resource Management in East Central University, Ada Oklahoma, USA. And yes I'm excited. But am I nervous? %$#3!! yeah!

Next stop, US Visa interview at the US Embassy in Manila.

Just waiting for my I-20 to arrive from the school via Fed-Ex.

I would love to write a longer blog about this whole experience, but I'm mult-tasking right now so that makes it almost impossible.

If things go well, I'll be in the CONUS by 05 January and start school on the 7th. Who cares about jetlag. I'll deal with it when I get there!!!!

Gini Andrews on Spiritual Ministry

2009-11-30T21:33:00.003+08:00

For those of us who know too well the salt taste of failure, it helps to remember that even the great ones of the faith failed, yet as God continued to use them, often in a deeper way after their fall.

It is those who have plummeted the depths of failure to whom God invariably gives the call to Shepherd others. This is not a call given only to the gifted, the highly trained, or the polished as such. Without a bitter experience of their own inadequacy and poverty, they are quite unfitted to bear the burden of a spiritual ministry. It takes a person who has discovered something of the measure of his own weakness to be patient with the foibles of others.

By Gini Andrews

**This spoke to me greatly, during a talk given in Saipan (I forgot who...was it Laura Smith?), so I copied it and wrote it down in my journal. Many of us in spiritual leadership and ministry tend to beat up ourselves when we fail. We learn later on, probably the hard way, that our weakness is what makes us more accessible and personal to those who are as hurting, insecure, and feel failure just as much as we do.

I learned that in making myself vulnerable to ridicule and criticism, I was able to love deeper and be loved deeper in return. And what I thought would be ridicule and criticism has been the most genuine caring, concern, and compassion that I have ever experienced in my life.

When She's Near by Fiction Family

2009-11-23T12:08:00.005+08:00

Here's a song that I'd like my future fiancee (if I ever marry) to sing when he proposes. It doesn't matter if he's in tune or not. I just like the lyrics. I guess there's a couple of other songs out there that I'd pick from, but this is my favorite for now.

My friend Grace (the girl from 14G) played it on her laptop, and now I'm hooked. This one's from Jon Foreman (Grace's favorite artist) and his friend Sean Watkins. Check it out on iTunes. Or this site http://www.fictionfamily.com/?97768e80

You can also view the music video on her blogsites:
http://diceytalks.blogspot.com
http://marygracey.blogspot.com

When She’s Near
By Fiction Family

My cover is blown
I'm faded and dreary
When my love is away
My cover is blown

When she leaves me alone
I'm weathered and weary
The night turns to days
When my love is away

When she's near
The new years here
And there is not a resolution that I can't do
I see things cleary when she's near me
When she's near me all the world is new

When life has me vexed
I stop thinking cleary
I can get so afraid
That I push her away
Repentance is next
I miss her so dearly
See those nights are the days
When my love is away

When she's near
The new years here
And there is not a resolution that I can't do
I see things cleary when she's near me

When she's near me all the world is new
I'm waiting for the day
When I am on her mind (she's all mine)
I'm waiting for the day
When loves no longer blind, blind

When she's near (when she's near)
When she's near (when she's near)
When she's near (when she's near)
When she's near (when she's near)

When she's near
The new years here
And there is not a resolution that I can't do
I see things cleary when she's near me

When she's near me all the world is new
When she's near me all the world is new
When she's near me all the world is new

I've Never Been In Love Before

2009-11-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

From the musical GUYS AND DOLLS

I've never been in love before
Now all at once it's you
It's you forever more.

I've never been in love before
I thought my heart was safe
I thought I knew the score

But this is wine that's all too strange and strong
I'm full of foolish song
And out my song must pour

So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in
I've really never been
In love before.

I've never been in love before
Now all at once it's you
It's you forever more.

I've never been in love before
I thought my heart was safe
I thought I knew the score

But this is wine that's all too strange and strong
I'm full of foolish song

And out my song must pour
So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in
I've really never been
In love before.

Rezne Wong's poem for Alfred Pinzon

2009-11-05T17:06:00.002+08:00

Rezne Wong's poem upon hearing of the death of his childhood friend Alfred Pinzon, my brother, who passed away at the age of 15.

It started out as a wonderful day
As if it were the best of May

Though not knowing that a day like this could turn to sorrow
A misfortune had arose that I did not know of

As I heard news about my very close friend,
That his journey here on earth has come to an end

I was shocked with such painful words;
Words that was not meant to be heard.

For a while I sat in grief,
In a world filled with disbelief.

I had never thought of him passing away,
Filled with sympathy like this I lay.

My wound had healed after a while;
The frown I had into a smile.

For I knew he was up there in heaven,
God bless him as his soul here on earth was gladly taken.

My cats Caramel and Popcorn

2009-10-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

From journal entry
31 May 2005

I’ve decided on the name Caramel and Popcorn for my two tom-kittens.

Caramel is know for her light caramel and almost smooth-colored fur with only a dot (spot) on her back. Her personality fits the name for she is sweet-tempered, hesitant, cautious and well-mannered kitten.

She loves curling up against me no matter what the occasion. She is easily frightened by her sister’s antics and often hisses at what she perceives to be a threat, not recognizing that it’s just a flying ball of –

Popcorn! Popcorn is the bigger, exuberant and energetic kitten. She loves motion and is attracted to almost anything that moves. A pen across a paper, a tapping foot, a moving had or eyelid. She will either go for a bite, nibble, or a swipe.

Both kittens are at the stage where everything that moves is a target. They are curious to movement, hanging things, and warmth.

Popcorn is lighter and her fur is interspersed with streaks, compared to her sister who has a smoother look.

Caramel and Popcorn react differently to the open door. Popcorn goes into the outdoors and goes after every leaf, neighbor’s car, or fly. Whereas Caramel will timidly stay inside the door or step, until I push her out gently.

Caramel likes sitting, purring and settling down between my arms as I read or write. She’ll like under my chin, content. Popcorn takes longer to sleep. When you hug her though, she’ll just splay herself and allow to be caressed.

Popcorn likes peering through the bath curtain, perched on the concrete divider as I shower. Caramel is content to sit on the lavender rug beneath the toilet. Popcorn takes on the world. Unafraid, she challenges bigger cats who are mainstays outside. I fear for her so I keep a lookout every time I let them play outside.

Caramel rests in her world and enjoys what comes to her. I give her more hugs because I think she’s more sensitive.

Typhoon Playmates

2009-10-12T14:20:00.003+08:00

My colleague Cpt. Teresa Ybanez (Phil Army) relates the story of what her classmate in their Masters class quipped: "These typhoons are like playmates. They've come together in their playground that is the Philippines, and they don't want to leave!" (Itong mga bagyo, parang magkakalaro! Dito nagtagpuan sa Pilipinas at ayaw ng magsialisan!)

There's Filipino humor for you in the midst of disaster!

Northern Philippines is embattled and beleaguered. First Typhoon Ketsana came and brought devastating floods. When it exited to go to Vietnam, Parma hit us NNW thankfully sparing the metropolitan but it hovered over Northern Philippines because Melor was sucking it to the east.

So now other provinces are flooded, landslides everywhere and towns are buried in water because of 12 days of rain caused by the Depression that was Parma.

Our office continues to receive relief goods, and so my regular work is kinda put aside in favor of assisting in any way, i.e. organizing volunteers, following up requests for vehicles, drafting reports, being an overall gofer, etc.

Many cities are recovering and cleaning their homes, yet so many places are still under water. Evacuation centers have been moved from the public schools other sies, school has resumed in Metro Manila, yet thousands are still homeless or have lost their daily livelihood brought about by Ketsana.

I haven't had decent sleep because I sleep late and wake up late, which is screwing my clock and I don't want that. I try to run when I can and keep a steady gym schedule but sucky sleep situations won't help.

However, the sun is now out and it's very hot! I bet our laundry ladies are very thankful.

Suggestion for typhoon donations

2009-09-29T21:58:00.003+08:00

Taken from the article "PDI Relief Drive: We need food, water, clothes..."

Donors are encouraged to give the following items: Potable water in sealed bottles or gallon containers, ready-to-eat food that will not expire within the next 6 months, formula milk for infants, children and adult diapers, toiletries, bath items, towels, clean clothing, slippers and other footwear.

Also welcome are sleeping mats, bed linen, pillows, blankets, mosquito nets, generic medicine for colds, cough, diarrhea, fever, hypertension, muscle pain and headaches, and other similar items.

http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquirerheadlines/nation/view/20090929-227430/PDI-relief-drive-We-need-food-water-clothes

Successful Relief Drive Operation

2009-09-29T17:55:00.001+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS to KAANIB for a successful relief drive operation that was conducted at the Fortune Manufacturing Home Association in Parang, Marikina today, September 28.
In spite of the short notice, we are proud to say that 100 families received food rations, water, medicine and clothing. With the assistance of the NDCC (National Disaster Coordinating Council), a military truck was lent to us (courtesy of the Philippine Air Force) so we could bring the relief goods and volunteers to the community.

Aside from our very own KAANIB members (28 volunteers), we also had 8 visitors from other
schools (invited by their KAANIB friends),and 9 members from the Youth for Peace Advocacy
Movement (YPAM).

We are proud of your noble efforts and your kind hearts!

You are also welcome to donate relief goods to the AFPEBSO at Camp Aguinaldo Gate 6. The PDI encourages the donors to give the following items;

Potable water in sealed bottles or gallon containers, ready-to-eat food that will not expire within the next 6 months, formula milk for infants, children and adult diapers, toiletries, bath items, towels, clean clothing, slippers and other footwear.

Also welcome are sleeping mats, bed linen, pillows, blankets, mosquito nets, generic medicine for colds, cough, diarrhea, fever, hypertension, muscle pain and headaches, and other similar items.

Thank you!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

2009-09-23T17:19:00.001+08:00

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy..
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot..
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work .
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

PINOY SIGNS

2009-09-23T17:15:00.001+08:00

Filipinos are funny and creative when it comes to business signs and posters. Here are some examples:

* A parlor in San Juan is named ' Cut & Face '
* A wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: ' Starduck '
* A fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: ' Violybee '
* A small internet cafe opened among squatters named itself, ' Cafe Pindot '
* In Manila , there's a laundry named, ' Summa Cum Laundry '
* A petshop in Ortigas that sells cats and dogs: ' Pussies and Bitches'
* A pet shop in Kamuning: ' Pakita Mo Pet Mo '
* A Bakery: ' Bread Pit '
* A bank in Alabang: ' Alabank '
* A noodle restaurant in Pampanga named, ' Mekeni Rogers '
* There's a restaurant in Pasig named ' John ny's Fried Chicken: The 'Fried' of Marikina '
* A boxing gym in Taguig: ' Blow Jab '
* A tombstone maker in Antipolo: ' Lito Lapida '
* There's a copy center in Sikatuna Village called, ' Pakopya ni Edgar '
* There's a beerhouse in Cavite called, ' Chickpoint '
* A laundromat in our neighborhood sa may Sikatuna: ' Star Wash: Attack of the Clothes '
* There's an internet cafe in Taguig named, ' n@kopi@ '
* Name of a kambingan, ' Sa Goat Kita '
* A salon somewhere, ' Curl Up And Dye '
* A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: ' Gee Congee '
* There's a water refilling station in Dapitan named ' Wa-Thirst '
* Along Sucat road, a store selling feeds for chickens: ' Robocock '
* Shoe repair in Marikina : ' Dr. Shoe-Bago '
* Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, ' SHOEPERMAN: we will HEEL you, save your SOLE, and even DYE for you '
* A Petshop: ' Petness First '
* Flower shop: ' Susan's Roses '
* A Taxicab: ' Income Taxi '
* A 2nd hand watch store: ' 2nd Time Around '
* A squid stall in a wet market: ' Pusit to the Limit '
* A shrimp store: ' Hipon Coming Back '
* A gay lawyer's extension office: ' Nota Republic '
* A ceiling installer: ' Kisame Street '
* A car repair shop: ' Bangga ka 'day! '
* An aquatic pet store in Malolos: ' Fish Be With You '
* A beauty salon: ' Saudia Hair lines '
* A bakery in our village: ' Anak Ng Tinapay '
* A resto along Mayon road in Manila : ' May Lisa Eatery '
* A Laundry: ' Wash Your Problem Here '
* This mobile massage business name isn't funny, but their slogan is: ' Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching '
* Ice cream parlor: ' Dila Lang Ang Katapat '
* Chicharon store: ' Chicha Hut '
* Neighborhood pizza store: ' Pizza Hot '
* A fishball cart along P. Campa St., near UST: ' Eat My Balls '
* A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: ' Pinoy Big Barber '
* A Resto in Baclaran: 'The Last Supper'
* A goto resto: 'Goto Ko Pa! '
* My mom used to ride a bus for work. One day she saw a peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: 'Mani ni Papa'
* A gym in Malolos: 'Gaymann Fitness Center'
* My brother's party needs business: ' Balloon-Balloonan '
* A Chinese restaurant in Pasig : ' Lah-Fang '
* A store selling fresh chicken, owned by a woman named Dina: ' Dina Fresh Chicken '
* An actual bait and tackle shop in Boracay: ' The Master Baiter '
* A bakery in Pateros: ' Trimonay Bakeshop '
* A Hair Salon in Makati : ' Hair We Go Again '

I'm back in the Philippines!

2009-09-16T20:33:00.002+08:00

Dear Saipan Friends,

So sorry for not having written sooner. As much as you are on my mind all the time, I got sick for the first four days when I hit Philippine soil. It must have been the stress of packing up, moving back here, adjusting to the environment and pace of city life. I'm well now, although I find myself having allergic reactions to pollution at various times.

I did hit the ground running....I've got a job here with the Armed Forces of the Philippines Educational Benefit Systems Office for 3 months, and to keep me busy while I prepare for my graduate school application. The Commanding Officer of this office is the former director at the Army Doctrine Center where I worked before, so I'm not totally with strangers. I love my work here and I love working with the military. It makes me miss my volunteering with the Veterans of Foreign Wars Post in Saipan and helping with the Host-a-Sailor Program.

I praise God continuously for providing for my needs when I arrived here. I stayed with my relatives on the Pinzon side for the first week in the University of the Philippines campus, and now I'm based with the Cariaga (my mom's) side in Pasig City for the duration of my stay here. Fred and Caring Cariaga's kids are the same age as I and my two sisters. In fact we all grew up together!

I'm dealing with reverse culture shock. Most visible is Filipinos' fixation with wanting to be fair or light-skinned. It's an obsession almost, really. In Saipan, my "white" American friends wanted my skin color and they would brave the harsh noonday sun just to get darker! In the cosmetic ailes, I couldn't find regular facial moisturizer that isn't made for whitening.

I'm having a hard time seeing the grocery shelves and not finding what I want unless I go to the "foreign and imported goods" section. It makes me very homesick for Saipan, I tell you. The greeting "How are you today?" aimed at cashiers, waiters, service attendants is greeted with a look that seems to ask, "Where are you from?" But I love bringing back the friendliness and opneness of Saipan. It's true that the Philippines is the Land of Smiles (correct me if I'm wrong) but when you're in a city, sometimes a smile is rare.

For so many reasons I'm a stranger to my city and my country. There are new buildings, roads, traffic routes and rules that I am not familiar with. My heart pines for the friendships and familiar things that I loved for almost 5 years in Saipan. Obviously I miss the ocean, sunshine, and the clean, fresh air. It's rainy season here so it rains almost all day....everyday!

One thing I am NOT having a hard time with is reverting to the dialects that I know. It's a big psychological relief NOT to have to think, "What's the english translation for this?"

I'm face with anxiety at the need to still complete the $13,000.00 required for my MBA program and other costs such as books, lodging and food, and medical insurance. As I continue spending time in prayer, I try to focus on God's lordship and sovereignty, and not let the worries drown my heart. It's a journey of faith, knowing that God has opened doors for me and yet waiting on what He will do.

You've all been with me from the start of this faith journey and you know my heart (dreams and fears) when it comes to this wonderful opportunity. I pray that the Lord will continue to reveal his will for me in the coming weeks. My Bible reading a few nights ago was in Psalm 66:10-12 which says

¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

¹¹ You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

¹² You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

I've been through so much in the past year, painful and tough. You know my story. In the mist of this the Lord has remained faithful in His character and in His being God. Pray that I continue to look to Jesus even as the waves grow bigger on all sides. May I experience walking on water and not sinking, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith!

Making right choices

2009-06-19T16:05:00.001+08:00

Deutoronomy 30:19-20 (NIV) says,

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now, choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he sword to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob."

My friend Laura Smith is visiting Saipan to conduct a 2-day youth retreat called Catch the Wave. It was held at the Living Hope Church of the Nazarene. Her talk was about making right choices. In a nutshell, we should chooose

1) Life
2) The Lord your God
3) to obey His voice

This spoke volumes to me because it sort of simplifies and encompasses the many choices we have to make during the day...how much more in a lifetime! May the choices I make honor God.

Snorkeling by the Light of the Moon

2009-03-12T15:56:00.002+08:00

Last Friday I had dinner with some friends at the Oleai Bar and Grill where we enjoyed the sunset, the cool breeze and some soft tacos. It was all well until I started shivering in my daily summer clothes. Apparently, I really do have tropical blood in my veins because the cool evening breeze, brought upon by rain from Mt.Tapotchao, almost chilled me to death. My white friends were not very sympathetic; they were enjoying the drop in temperature.

And then out popped out the grand idea of nighttime snorkeling! We would go out to the tank nearest to J's restaurant (now closed) and see the nighttime critters that come out in the dark. I had already snorkeled out there once, during the day, but nighttime would bring a host of other cool creatures!

I tried to be brave while we waded through the shallow water. This would be first nighttime swim. My head started to fill with not-so fun imagined creatures. Saipan's reef is pretty safe but I was still thankful for my diving booties.

When I arrived at the tank the first thing that Isaw was a cool looking seaslug! Next, as I circled the tank, I saw green/bluegreen colored crabs. There was also so a bunch of shrimp or crayfish? There must have been 8 or 9 scorpionfish, 2 boxfish, and I still say to this day that I was octopus. Oh well, with one flashlight only, I'll never know.

Pretty soon my cheapo $20 mask started to fog badly and misbehave. Then we churned up so much silt the view got bad. I also started getting really cold and my hands were getting numb, so it was time to go. I felt bad for the sea cucumbers I stepped on my way back, but I couldn't swim all the time because I had to rest my neck. (I'm having chiropractic work done on my neck and back, so sometimes it hurts).

The most wonderful experience was seeing all the seagrass on the seabed and other plants by the light of the moon. Ever seen the sunlight dancing on the waves, and when you dunk your head underwater, you see the same wave pattern on the seafloor? It was like that, only the patterns on the seafloor were by moonlight! It was sooo magical and mystical, I loved it. In the moonlight, daytime underwater colors were transformed. Regular taupe sand became pale silver, or eggshell if you like. Drab green seagrass became emerald and forest green. The moonlight cast silver patterns all over.

The seagrass looked like regular, uncut lawn grass to me. But some of the plants had this almost fluorescent look to them, and they stood out from the grassy 'lawn' and reflected the light of the moonlight. They looked like lacy creations to me, rising up out of the green seafloor.

With nothing but water covering my ears, the world fell away and I could imagine myself a sea-creature or a mermaid, navigating the shallow waters. I held out my hand underwater, and I could see the wave patterns on my arm, illuminated by the moon. It wasn't a sunlit color. This time, it was just an ephemeral, effervescent, magical color. I could see for more than 10 to 15 yards in either direction, before the shadows overtook what the moon illuminated.

And then I hit the shore and had to get dried up and warm. But I'd love to try that again, and this time with a full moon! I was told that you almost need no light when there is a full moon.

Next stop, get myself a wetsuit so I can stay longer underwater.
Final stop, get my American friends to stop laughing at how quickly I get cold!

A Hurting Body

2009-02-27T07:36:00.006+08:00

I was in a car crash over a month ago. I crashed in into a telephone pole and sustained bruising on my left face from hitting the steering wheel and general body pain.

Unfortunately, it was my friend Amanda's car and I had to pay for the repairs with the help of my family. Since I am still jobless right now, the accident was a big blow. You out there know that it's easy to wallow in self-pity and despair, and hard to be thankful about other things. Although the bruises soon faded, the unseen effects of the crash started to manifest themselves. Shortly after the crash, I started to experience pain in my arms and shoulders. My first indicator was that it hurt my shoulders everytime I took my shirts or blouses. Pretty soon it hurt to other tasks as well.

I ignored it and attributed the pain to my post-Christmas weight gain and lack of exercise. The pain wasn't unbearable, but it got so annoying to the point that I would bring a bottle of painkillers with me all the time. I've never popped ibuprofen so much unless it was a high fever or recovery from a major tooth extraction.

My back was always tight, throbbed and my neck area also felt stiff. I would get twinges and spasms in my back and suddenly go. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" I also started to feel pins and needles throughout my upper arm into my elbow at night. Deep tissue massages helped, but only temporarily. I knew that I had to seek help and made an appointment with my chiropractor. After my first session, I was told that I had to come back for more therapy...but after getting scolded for not getting help sooner.

I was encouraged not to do the normal sports that I am fond of, to limit the variables that might contribute to the current pain. I am also encouraged to finish my therapy session. For someone who loves being active, a hurting body is something new to me. Hurting after exercise or sports activities is normal. What isn't is the abnormal pain that DOESN'T allow me to do the things I love...for now.

The Bible encourages to be thankful for God is good, be thankful at all times, and in all circumstances. So once I started listing down these things, I saw how God's provision has sustained me all throughout. Here are some on that list:

First, Amanda has been nothing but gracious, giving me time to procure the funds needed to repair the car. She's never shown her impatience of frustration, though she must be feeling it in aces and spades (I'm not sure if that's an appropriate idiomatic expression, but I'll use it anyway). I have not once felt judged or condemned for the car crash, and so I'm grateful for her expression of love and friendship.

Second, a common friend lent her another car to use in the meantime. For now, we're waiting for a new driver's side glass window to be shipped from the US. That's because we cannot find the right glass window for a Hyundai Elantra 1997 Station Wagon on Saipan. That's Amanda's car by the way, and her window broke during the crash.

Third, Pastor Roger and Sitsit Abe - my pastor and my family's friends - have taken me into their home so I can save on apartment rent while job-hunting. I have a home to call mine for now, and a haven of rest. They live in the associate pastor's parsonage, the same one my parents lived in while they served the church on Saipan. So the house holds good memories for me. In fact, I'm staying in the room where my parents used to stay!

Fourth, I am finding time to live life at a slower pace and be more reflective. I am also praying more. Even my dad has observed that I seem to enjoy the quietness versus huffing and puffing here and there. It is true, not working right now has afforded me more time to think and reflect. I help as a substitute teacher on occasion, and found another joy in helping teach from grades K through 8. I also realized that I like teaching. I wonder why I didn't major in education.

These are a few things only, there are others too intimate to share in public. But I just wanted it said that though my body hurts and I'm forced to slow down, it forces me to think before I act and made me less flustered more dependent on the Lord for help. I am learning to be quiet in Spirit.

What else to be thankful for?

Psalm 106:1

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his loves endures forever.

A loving person...

2009-01-22T11:23:00.002+08:00

Taken from "Love As A Way of Life" by Dr. Gary Chapman. These were things that people said were the indicators of a loving person.

A loving person is always honest with the people he loves and will tell them the truth in a tasteful manner.

A loving person is someone who is truthful yet nonjudgmental.

A loving person is willing to help you in tough decisions, comfort you when you are hurting, love you when you are needy, celebrate with you when you have accomplished something little or big. She will be honest with you when she sees things in your life that need to be changed.

A loving person is willing to to give advice and be critical when necessary in order to help you be a better person. He is honest yet sensitive.

2009-01-22T10:40:00.001+08:00

Warring with a headache for 2 days now...yuck.

A teacher's prayer

2009-01-17T10:00:00.002+08:00

Here is a very nice prayer that my friend Amanda brought to the teachers' morning prayer time last Tuesday. I had an opportunity to sub for a few hours at Saipan Community School for the class of Ms. Nierras, who was called away to Guam on a family emergency. It's a beautiful prayer and shows the heart of a teacher who really cares. Amanda was in charge of prayer that morning, and here it is.

Lord, let me be just what they need.
If they need someone to trust, let me be trustworthy.
If they need sympathy, let me sympathize.
If they need love, (and they do need love), let me love, in full measure.
Let me not anger easily, Lord, but let me be just.
Permit my justice to be tempered in your mercy.
When I stand before them, Lord, let me look strong and good and honest and loving.
And let me be as strong and good and honest and loving as I look to them.
Help me to counsel the anxious, crack the covering of the shy, temper the rambunctions with a gentle attitude.
Permit me to teach only the truth.
Help me to inspire them so that learning will not cease at the classroom door.
Let the lessons they learn make their lives fruitful and happy.
And, Lord, let me bring them to You.
Teach them through me to love You.
Finally, permit me to learn the lessons they teach.

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-01T17:47:00.008+08:00

Before any celebration is the preparation. How did I prepare for New Year's Celebration? Well, it was open house at Steve McKagan's celebration up on his bachelor's pad on Mt. Tapotchao. Steve is fellow hasher and opened his place to what would be a group of rowdy fellow hashers...and since a good guest brings something, I thought I'd contribute some drinks. So I went to Pryce Costco for some wine and I have two interesting stories.

A Filipina lady came up to me and asked help with differentiating red from white wine. I guess I looked like I knew what I was doing! Far from being a connoisseur, I pointed out the rows where you could find the chardonnay, zinfandel, merlot, carbernet sauvignon, etc. Then I pointed out the brands that I thought tasted good but CHEAPER. I even said looking at the liquid's color would be a good start. However, I've had champagne in a light red wine color, so color is not the only criteria. The labels would be a good guide too, I mentioned.I pointed out two bottles that I personally would pick. She was very thankful so that made me happy.

The other story is about a little boy, about 5 or 6 years old, who came up to me while I picking out the wine. I was squatting near the bottom shelves, and he plopped beside me. I gave a surprised, "Why, hello there!" Suddenly he grabs my purse (the strap was hung across my chest, from neck to hip) and asks, "What's in here?" I started to say "Cellphone, money, ID" when he just pops the button open and grabs the cash that he sees there!

Too stunned to react, I started to reach for my money, all the while hoping I'd see his parents. Nope, no parents. "You can't take that, it's my money", I said politely but firmly voice. Still no parents. I was ready to throttle this kid, my initial thought of "cute kid" was quickly turning into "I'm so ready to hurt you". Maybe I could hit him with a wine bottle and knock some sense into him.

Finally, the mother comes along and is appropriately horrified by the situation. She tries to grab the crumpled wad from the kid, and almost succeeds except for a dollar bill. The kid starts to kick and scream and ask for his own money. She manages to grab it from him and returns it to me, all apologies. I told her it was alright.

I was mildly horrified that a child would come up a complete stranger and start rifling through her belongings. Clearly that kid was not trained. Or if he was taught or trained, it was not enforced. His immediate reaction of kicking and screaming told me he was a spoiled kid who took and did what he wanted, and was not punished or corrected for wrong behavior. I was right, because the mother tried to placate him with promises of getting some money from daddy.

My parents would TOTALLY have taken me to a corner and scolded me, got sent to the car, been told to apologize, or spanked in a corner. Maybe when we got home some "time out" or some form of grounding and definitely a spanking and a sit-down talk. I am thankful that I have been raised to be polite, thoughtful, respectful and not spoiled. I have my mother and father to thank for that. They tried soooo hard. All of the above, and more, were meted out to me as a younger child. You can say that I was quite disobedient and rebellious.

With fellow hasher John piloting and I at the helm, we trekked towards Tapotchao but not before having the NYE special at Cafe at the Park, one of my favorite restaurants. What's not to love about that the free soda and tea refills? The menu consisted of a shrimp appetizer, dumpling soup, salad, the main course, cheesecake for dessert, and a constant flow of champagne and iced tea. I had the grilled salmon- that salmon was the best I've ever had. The outside was just a bit crispy and retained the garlic seasoning, while the inside was moist and buttery. It melted in my mouth! I had one glass of the champagne on a hungry stomach so that went quickly to my head. Dinner was a nice welcome to stave the alcohol's effect on my hungry body. I had a second a last one since we still had a party to go to.

Turns out Steve didn't need the wine post-NYE because they would soon start training for soccer season. So the recipient of my wine was Elizabeth Lundeen! I'll admit since I'm not a beer drinker, watching everyone else play beer pong was very entertaining.

We could see the display of the Hyatt, Fiesta and Hafadai hotels. Some people on Managaha Island let loose some fireworks too that suspiciously looked like flares.

I received an email from my sister Erna in Indonesia. She's complaining that they had a quiet New Year's Eve celebration. I'm sure she misses the "usual" fireworks and firecrackers that we are so used to in the Philippines and the usual crowds and big family celebrations. Pinoys like it the Chinese way: the noisier, the better. Super lolo anyone? She says that Benjie (husband) and Zee (daughter) were treated to about 5 minutes of fireworks display.

I'm not complaining though, because I DON'T miss the smell of gunpowder and sulfur permeating the air, getting into your lungs and making your eyes water and house stink for days after. I remember the image and smell of burning tires in front of our street in Bignay, Quezon City. Burning tires to welcome the New Year wasn't frowned on then as it is now (obviously for health and environmental reasons).

I wonder how my family in Canada celebrated their New Year's eve!

Waiting

2008-12-22T00:46:00.005+08:00

One of the toughest things about waiting is...well, the wait. How hard is it to "Be still and know that I am God?" Very hard.

Here I am, trying to wait IN FAITH for God's leading in my life. Do I still get to stay in Saipan for the next 6 months? Will an employer hire me before my time is up? Will I get that job that I will love and where I can bloom as a person and as a professional? Will I ever get a chance for a post-graduate degree? Will I ever be with my family again (and soon)?

I vacillate between hopefulness and sometimes...well, despair. I'll be excited one moment, and then just un-hopeful the next. Come to think of it, the despair comes in the quiet of home in my room, alone, by myself. Away from the hustle and bustle of day, the glitter of nighttime downtown Saipan, or even the distraction of acquaintances and friends and PEOPLE, suddenly I am alone with my thoughts and feelings.

And sometimes I don't like them. So I bury myself in Scrubs, CSI New York Season One, the blooper reel of C.S. Lewis's "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe", even when I'm not really paying attention. I just need to get distracted.

However, I think that I am missing a great opportunity to come before the Father and just share my fears, insecurities and uncertainty of the future. Once I start filling myself with false fillers, then next I might turn to ice cream, brownies, lumpia shanghai, and other comfort foods. Too bad I am just not in the mood to go to Shirley's at 3:00 AM where I will get weird stares. I know deep down in my heart that true comfort comes from the the Heavenly Father who knows my heart.

It reminded me that my Lord is just waiting for me to do the same. I'm looking at 2 Samuel 22:2-3 and comforted in the thought that the Biblical prophets of old KNEW that the Lord was and always will be their "rock, fortress, and savior...the God in whom they (and I) can find protection, shield, strength of our salvation, stronghold, high tower...savior."

Those words are powerful and comforting.

Beats ice cream, Scrubs.

Even Star Trek.

Gai ko Lord, beh.

2008-12-15T21:26:00.002+08:00

Gai ko Lord, beh. Roughly translated, "Give me Lord, please?" I'm asking the Lord for a secret desire of my heart. Well it's actually public, but it's a very intense desire that I almost dislike talking about it to other people. But I like talking about it to the Lord.

Ask and you shall receive. It's so hard for me to ask. I never learned to ask. Either I took, or I didn't ask. This will be a step of faith for me. I have been asking, but I need to believe that God wants to bless me with more than what I ask.

It's a small world after all...

2008-12-07T22:05:00.005+08:00

My friends Boss and Sisi Alvarez came to Saipan Community Church today, and so did their two adorable boys Sam and Ryder. Sam and Ryder just turned 6 and 4, respectively. Human cannonballs they are - the kids, not the parents. Oh but they are so cuuuuute, like their parents! The boys didn't seem scared by the stranger their mommy and daddy introduced them to (me).

Sam acts like the kuya that he is, and is calmer than his younger brother. Ryder is like a little wiggly worm, and kept on asking his dad, "When are we gonna sing?" When the worship team was too slow to start for his liking , he did his own monotone vocalizations from his pew until daddy had to cover his mouth. Nursery school was available and the boys went peacefully with their dad. Later Beverly Brubaker informed us that the boys were very helpful in cleaning up! Mom and dad sure raised them well and must be proud.

After the service, both boys were back to their usual friendly and sunny selves (not that they ever stopped..they were just away for a little bit). Sam shyly answered questions put him, and Ryder just kept on bumping his head into me, giggling all the time. If it wasn't that, he was chewing on his mom's knee or hanging onto dad's leg. At one point I hoisted him up like an airplane and he excitedly laughed, "I'm flying!" When they had to leave, he didn't want to let go. I told Sisi, "I'm going to change into play clothes and play with your kids all day long!"

How do they do it? Where do they get all the energy to care for two rambunctious boys? Owen and Irene Gabbie looked on indulgently. After all, they raised two boys themselves - Aaron and Caleb.

I shouldn't have been surprised that Saipan is such a small world! Sisi knows Bill Harwood because her aunt goes to a Bible study that he leads. Owen Gabbie knows Sisi's dad. Rose Ajoste and Sisi used to be classmates. Boss used to attend services with SCC.

Speaking of small, Andrew Kimball did no small feat this morning. After a two-month standoff, he finally agreed to play a piano piece during offertory. As a compromise he played "Sweet Hour of Prayer" in moderato. I asked him to play it andante but Pastor Dickerman asked him to play it in allegro for fear that the congregation would fall asleep before his sermon. I believe Andrew did a good job! A few weeks before, Grace played during offertory too, and did a splendid job as well!

Bruschetta with Tomato and Basil Recipe

2008-12-06T11:59:00.000+08:00

I cooked this for Thanksgiving Dinner 2008, after I was asked to bring "an appetizer." Friends from Saipan and two junior officers from the USS Reuben James made up the group. It took longer to prepare than to cook, and the onions made me cry like mad. But I added more olive oil than needed, and doubled the garlic. Which was a good move since the garlic was a hit!

INGREDIENTS

* 6 or 7 ripe plum tomatoes (about 1 1/2 lbs)
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
* 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
* 6-8 fresh basil leaves, chopped.
* Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
* 1 baguette French bread or similar Italian bread
* 1/4 cup olive oil

METHOD

1 Prepare the tomatoes first. Parboil the tomatoes for one minute in boiling water that has just been removed from the burner. Drain. Using a sharp small knife, remove the skins of the tomatoes. (If the tomatoes are too hot, you can protect your finger tips by rubbing them with an ice cube between tomatoes.) Once the tomatoes are peeled, cut them in halves or quarters and remove the seeds and juice from their centers. Also cut out and discard the stem area. Why use plum tomatoes instead of regular tomatoes? The skins are much thicker and there are fewer seeds and less juice.

2 Make sure there is a top rack in place in your oven. Turn on the oven to 450°F to preheat.

3 While the oven is heating, chop up the tomatoes finely. Put tomatoes, garlic, 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil, vinegar in a bowl and mix. Add the chopped basil. Add salt and pepper to taste.

4 Slice the baguette on a diagonal about 1/2 inch thick slices. Coat one side of each slice with olive oil using a pastry brush. Place on a cooking sheet, olive oil side down. You will want to toast them in the top rack in your oven, so you may need to do these in batches depending on the size of your oven. Once the oven has reached 450°F, place a tray of bread slices in the oven on the top rack. Toast for 5-6 minutes, until the bread just begins to turn golden brown.

Alternatively, you can toast the bread without coating it in olive oil first. Toast on a griddle for 1 minute on each side. Take a sharp knife and score each slice 3 times. Rub some garlic in the slices and drizzle half a teaspoon of olive oil on each slice. This is the more traditional method of making bruschetta.

5 Align the bread on a serving platter, olive oil side up. Either place the tomato topping in a bowl separately with a spoon for people to serve themselves over the bread, or place some topping on each slice of bread and serve. If you top each slice with the tomatoes, do it right before serving or the bread may get soggy.

Makes 24 small slices. Serves 6-10 as an appetizer. Or 3-4 for lunch (delicious served with cottage cheese on the side.)

By popular demand

2008-12-05T07:58:00.009+08:00

Ever since I asked my friends to look at my new blogsite, I've had some "popular demands". More of requests really, and I'm happy to oblige!

Auntie Deb Meyer said that she couldn't read the dark font on my blog text, because of her eyesight. That would be sad if she couldn't read anything at all, tsk! tsk! So I experimented, chose a more visible color and increased the font size. She has since said that she can read better. Patok! Tumpak!

Terry Woodcock, one of my very good friend from the US Navy says I should write and post pictures about some of the beautiful places I've seen during my trips to Japan where he was the tour guide and I the tourist. Of course, being the navy dork that I am, I will post my pictures with the 7th fleet ships. However, my trips to Japan wasn't just confined to the Navy Base in Yokosuka but Kannonzaki, Seiseki-Sakuragaoka in Tokyo, Ueno, Harajuku... Kamakura...Kanagawa, and I'm sure more but I have to ask Terry where those places were. I think I'm mixing the cities and the prefectures, so bear with me while I review my Japanese geography.

Aya Saito, whom I met while taking the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) said that she loved the pictures I took while going around. She woefully told me that she needed to be a tourist in her country. Don't we all?

The pictures will soon follow. So, if you want other memorable times posted here, again, I'm at your service!

Cravings

2008-12-04T21:17:00.010+08:00

Cravings is the name of a cafe/dessert shop in Quezon City. If I remember right, they have a mean cheesecake.

Cravings are also what I've been having for the past few days. That I can certainly blame on my hormones, because I just want to eat everything in sight. In fact tonight, John had to hold me back at Street Market from eating more than my 2 pieces of Thai House fried spring rolls AND 1 Kinpachi chicken on a stick. "But honey," I whined, "I'm still hungry." I wanted corn on the cob, another chicken BBQ, and at maybe I could squeeze in the "6 choices for $5 meal." But you females know how it feels to having that craving at least once a month.

But then maybe it also had to do with the festive air at the Saipan Thursday Street Market. Today was the lighting of the Christmas Trees at Paseo de Marianas. Schools from all over Saipan enter a contest of which school can best decorate the trees using recycled materials. Of course I'm partial to Saipan Community School but going to the Paseo and seeing all the lights and decor added to my already existing cravings.

I've been hungry for home. I'm homesick. I miss the things that are familiar to me at this time of year.

Glaring and colorful Christmas lights EVERYWHERE in Metro Manila. Highways, houses, malls, sidewalks, and the parol (lantern) hanging from almost anywhere. Sorry Saipan, nothing compares...but I am grateful that at least we have continuous power for this season!

Misa de Gallo the dawn mass 9 days before Christmas Day. If you live near enough a church, you'll hear the beckoning sound of the early morning bells. If you want to catch the puto bumbong and bibingka, and whether you're attending misa de gallo or not, you better get up while it's still dark and chilly (brrr!) before the vendors run out of these dee-lish Filipino treats.

Puto bumbong and bibingka. Bibingka is a rice cake similar to the Western pancake in appearance. In taste, texture and way of cooking, however, they are very much different from each other. Bibingka is made from galapong, baked in a special clay pot, lined with a piece of banana leaf, with live coals on top and underneath. It is topped with slices of kesong puti (white cheese) and itlog na maalat (salted duck eggs). The newly-cooked bibingka is spread with butter and sometimes sprinkled with sugar then served with niyog (grated coconut). Galapong is glutinous rice soaked in water then ground with the water to form either a batter or a dough, depending on what the cooked dish is supposed to be. (courtesy of www.pinoycook.net)

Puto bumbong is a dish made from purpled-colored ground rice cooked in bamboo tubes that are placed on a special steamer-cooker. Then, they are removed from the bamboo tubes, spread with butter and sprinkled with sugar and niyog (grated coconut). They are then wrapped in wilted banana leaves which will keep them warm and moist until ready to be eaten.

Okay, should I add more? The open bag of Taquitos is glaring at me, daring to be eaten. I have fruity cereal and milk in the fridge. I can also cook rice in a heartbeat and finish my leftover Tuna Bay mechado flavor. Maybe I'll eat a few more chips to assuage my cravings for what is obviously comfort food - Filipino food!

Dessert, please!!!

2008-12-02T08:45:00.000+08:00

I have decided to change the name of my former blog classicmisfit.blogspot.com to something that better reflects who I am, what I live for, what stirs my passions and makes me cry or burst out laughing, where I've come from and where I'm going, and all that is inside this already bursting heart and spirit that God has given me.

In addition, I am currently jobhunting so I have a lot of time on my hands to export my old published articles onto this site.

Why halo-halo? First, if you look at my old posts, you'll see that I posted something about Halo-Halo. To summarize, it's one of the Filipino best-selling and timeless desserts. Most popular during the hot summers, it's a bowful of sweet delights made up of sweetened and/or glazed fruits and various nuts, embedded in crushed ice, milk and sugar, topped with a scoop or two of ice cream. The tagalog word "halo" (hah-loh) means "mix."

A friendly suggestion: Google it and you'll find lots of visual treats to satisfy your eyes. Of course, nothing beats the real thing.

Second, when I created my first blog Classicmisfit, I was desperate for a name, any name. So I took what was suggested by some good friends. And although I have liked that name for some years now, I don't think of myself as a misfit really. I suppose I thought of myself as a rebel in college, but even those of you who know me don't really think of me that way. I can be outspoken and unique (but of course) but not an open rebel or misfit.

Third, I want to pay tribute to my Filipino roots and culture. I am part Ilocano (thanks to my mama and her Cariaga side of the family; part Ilonggo (courtesy of the Pinzon side), with a smattering of Chinese along the way - what Filipino family doesn't? Hence, the reference to Halo-Halo.

I'm already looking forward to this new blog! It's just like looking forward to that tasty dessert at the end of a meal.

But then, who says dessert can't come first?!

Thanksgiving Updates 2008

2008-11-20T09:01:00.000+08:00

With the American Thanksgiving looming ahead, I am conditioning myself to count my blessings. (Note to those who are unaware: I currently live on Saipan, Northern Marianas Islands where the currency is the US dollar, the flag is the stars and stripes, and we will soon be Federalized). Yes, the word "Federalized" is so overused now, together with "military buildup" on Guam.

The hymn "Count Your Blessings" comes to mind and I find myself silently humming the melody. I've been mostly humming the alto parts for our upcoming Christmas cantata at church. Let's see, where shall I start? I am thankful for:

1. A job where I finished out my contract, which expires this week. I am currently on the job-hunt, with some leads, but nothing definite. Last year when my friend, mentor and boss Cindy Adams left, I didn't know if I would EVEN find a job with the Saipan marketplace being so uncertain. And yet I was hired, and still have the job to this day. It hasn't been without challenges, but then is life ever without them?

2. My family's continued health. My parents continue to be of sound mind and body, although they will be the first to admit that they are slowing down in the body part. I am sure my dad cannot shoot from the 3-point line anymore, and my mom can't definitely go down Forbidden Island in 30 minutes. However, they continue to encourage me with scripture taken from memory, a testament to their still sharp minds. They are certainly not enjoying the below freezing temperature in Ottawa Canada. The penguins should be attacking them by now.

I've heard rumors from a certain youngest sister of mine that Papa needs a little prodding to remember the names from certain people in his congregation, and that he forgets where he put his carkeys. I replied with, "I forget where I put my keys EVERYDAY. As for remembering people's names, more people know me that I know them, because they knew my parents!"

Mama has a part-time job where she is entrusted to care for indoor pets. She finds this amusing, but sometimes feels bored while she just waits for the hours to pass by.

My middle sister Erna and my brother-in Benjie are still teaching in Surabaya, Indonesia, and regularly update with us pictures and videos of their daughter Zee. They are all in good health but are tired and stressed with the demands of teaching and the upcoming Christmas preparations for the school.

Trina (that certain youngest sister) has been hired by a Canadian NGO focusing on community development. She is elated to be chosen from 90 applicants and started work on November 11th. She wrote to our family from her office email, bragging that her signature and the company statement was in english AND french. Uy, dapat naa pud translation sa Bisaya! (She should have the Bisaya dialect translation too!)

3. Friends and family who have stood by me in some of the worst crises in my life this year. They have come from all walks of life and various locations all over the world. I'd like to call them my infantry when it comes to praying for me. They are always at the front, responding to my prayer requests and spiritually lifting me up at times that I am sure I am even unaware of. My logistical needs were provided for when I was swamped and didn't know what to do.

I am also thankful to learn more about the value of kindness, generosity, and encouragement because I have received it full-blast. I have decided that I want to be kinder, more generous and encouraging to others as a result.Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." So many times I've "felt like dying" and yet some kind word has lifted my spirits. I have a faithful group of friends from church that continue to be my spiritual and physical comfort (sometimes translated into company, movies, food and fun), I praise God for their lives!

4. Life's Struggles. They are like the storms of life. Just when I thought I'd weathered one storm, a bigger one comes along and I find out just what I'm made of. I've discovered that it's not easy letting go of control, and yet it's much fulfilling to realize that putting faith in Christ is exactly what He wants. It's a scary, scary feeling to say, "What now God? I give up. You lead, because I'm lost." However, I've experienced peace every time I've done this. I wonder why I can't do it more often!

5. On a more personal note, here's more tidbits:

* I'll be taking diving lessons soon from an awesome instructor (you can ask me in private later who it is...the paparazzi might get wind of this email), something I've been looking forward to! I can't wait to hit the books, back in the water, get certified and see more of the glorious undersea.

* Saipan hasn't had its usual share of US navy ships lately, so I haven't had the chance to organize any sailor dinners. However, I've still kept in touch with some of the men and women of the US Navy that I've met over the years. Some have left the service, gotten married or gone back to college. Some have transfered ships, gone ashore, been deployed to dangerous places. These friendships have been fruitful and I so honored to have them as part of my life!

* I've been tasting A LOT of the glorious home-cooking of the wonderful cook Sarah Blalock. I almost don't miss my mother's cooking. Sarah really should open up her own restaurant on Saipan, I should say. And where, you may ask, am I getting to taste all this awesome food? That's one of my best-kept secrets!

* I have a Christmas goal: to fit into my college graduation dress (which I could still wear in January 2008) when January 2009 comes around! You might see me running on Beach Road of cycling along Airport Road. Honk and I'll wave back at ya!

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (1 Chronicles 16:34).

Baha! (Flood)

2008-10-17T06:59:00.000+08:00

"Baha" is Filipino for "flood."

Saipan had the heaviest rain yesterday, later on my boss Jim said that in all his 9 years, we never got rain that bad so that our office GOT FLOODED. I had stood up to grab a printout from the printer behind me, when I felt a splash on my toe. When I looked down, a puddle had seeped from the wall under what used to be a door, leading outside, but was sealed off.

Gigi, one of our accountants, and I started putting newspaper to sop it up, but it was coming in so fast we were flooding. So first we lifted all the boxes off the ground, putting them on chairs, tables, on anything that was off the ground. Thankfully Jim arrived and grabbed Shell uniforms from the warehouse and we put those on the ground to sop up the water. We lost whatever poise we had and got wet and dirty, literally. Gigi hiked her jeans and wore her flipflops. I hiked up mine and kept my high-heeled sandals because I had no other footwear.

We would wring 2 shirts at a time, using an industrial-type bucket with wringer, and then keep on sopping up the floor. It took too much time, because then WATER STARTED FLOODING FROM THE OTHER WALL! The other room adjacent to us is the warehouse and water was seeping in through the shutters! It was a lost cause until the rain would stop.

She finally got a dustpan and scooped up the water while I rewired all our connections because we had to move tables and all of that, and get the wires off the floor. Meanwhile, in the warehouse, our boss and the other Shell attendants swept water outside the warehouse. He sealed the underside of the door and shutters with some plastic banners, hopefully to keep the water out.

Thankfully the rain abated, but we worked almost 3 hours just getting rid of the water. It was a great opportunity though, to clean and mop, and dust, and re-arrange our files and boxes. We discovered that we are not typhoon or flood-ready!

My quads hurt because I was wearing high-heeled sandals. Gigi's back hurt from all the bending she did. We were both shaking in fatigue AND HUNGER by the time this was over. Whew!
The Saipan Tribune the next day (today) had headlines about flooding and the strong rain. Apparently, the drainage system couldn't handle all that rain and spewed out the excess water. Beach Road looked like a river. Middle Road across the Garapan Park was full of debris on the road: soil, sand and limestone. On Beach road, a construction site's mound of limestone was all washed away onto the road as well.

The funny thing is, earlier I thought that the hills looked very pretty covered in fog. Even the ships from the Marine Prepositioning Squadron liked ghost ships, obscured by the rain and fog. Little did I know that the rain would later be a torrent!

Oh well, we have a little excitement here on Saipan, and hopefully, a lesson learned in readiness.

Typhoon Season

2008-09-23T07:22:00.000+08:00

So it's typhoon season! So many memories associated with rain. The USS Chancelorsville arrived in Saipan almost 2 years ago, at night, to a lot of rain. I remember touring around a sailor named SK2 Mike Cross, who now happens to be one of my good friends to date. Saipan had hoped to welcome the ship with the island's trademark sunshine and calm seas, to no avail. He sheepishly admitted that their ship was lashed with strong winds and rain, and I woefully agreed.

This is unlike memories of the USS Germantown and the USS Ford. I wore my glasses with the lenses that darken with sunlight, and I have pictures to prove it: my once-clear lenses were at their darkest. I even had to squint when going topside. When the USS Ford was visiting, we witnessed one of the brightest and most fiery sunsets at the Fiesta Hotel beachside reception.
Again, I have the pictures to prove it.

"If you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes!", said my girl-friend Sisi Alvarez to one of the USS Rentz's Senior Chiefs. I have to agree. Even with strong rains on Saipan, the water-bearing clouds can only hold so much. A raincloud might cover the whole island, but then it's only roughly 7 by 14 miles anyway, so yeah, wait 5 minutes!

Typhoon seasons bring back memories of school. And I hated it. Not school, but plowing through rain and wind in my school uniform with umbrella and poncho, trying to keep my shoes and socks dry, not to mention my schoolbag. My family didn't have a car, so the times that I had to use public transportation, a.k.a. jeepneys and tricycles, it wasn't fun at all. Even when I carpooled with a family friend years later, it made it only slightly better.

I wish I could have ditched the uniform. Even my public school mandated a white blouse with collar, and a jumper-like outfit in a blue-and-white checkered cloth. My private Catholic highschool mandated a white blouse, deep pink skirt and matching necktie, white socks and black shoes...which had to be clean all the time.

Claret, you are a pilgrim, you are a sower/The seed you scatter is the good news/
You reach all colors and races
There's only one body, only one Lord
Claret, through your example we see our mission
We must be witnesses, we must bring hope
We want to follow your footsteps and tell the people
That God is love.

This is an excerpt of the Claret High School (Zamboanga City) school hymn. We had to sing this along with the national anthem. But when it rained, we didn't have to sing it out on the courtyard in front of the flagpole. We just had to sing it...in our classroom!!!

Summer Vacation

2008-08-01T03:23:00.000+08:00

I am now officially a sister-in-law, and the Pinzon sisters aren't all single anymore. Please welcome into the family Mr. Benjie Llorente, my first EVER brother-in-law.

I had a great 3-week vacation in the Philippines as we had Erna and Benjie's wedding, reunions with friends and family, the beautiful opportunity to give a my visiting friend, Mike, a firsthand experience of Filipino culture and tradition.

The wedding preparations, wedding, and post-wedding activities made me appreciate the relationships between family and friends. I hope I never take for granted how generous and giving people can be, and how their servants' hearts went the extra MILES needed to make the wedding a blessed event. And it just didn't just end with the wedding. Their gifts extended to after the wedding itself.

I visited a Filipino WWII historic site called Corregidor Island. Nothing beats going on a war memorial tour with people who are familiar with military speak or war history, so that doubled the fun! Mike was in the Navy, and my dad is well versed in WWII events, so I had the pleasure of having any of my technical or historical questions answered.

Then it was on to Baguio City and the Philippine Military Academy and was also reunited with family friends who have a church ministry with within the PMA. I was soo excited to be reunited with some of the college students...er...cadets...who I hadn't seen in a year, and to meet those who had already graduated! My widdle brothers aren't so little anymore..they're all grown up and trying to save the world.

Another highlight was going on a 12-hour trip to Sarat, Ilocos Norte to visit my maternal grandparents' old home. We met aunts and cousins and familiarized ourself with our family tree and the legacy and history of that side of the family.

On the way back South, we passed by my cousin Paul's fiancee's Ody's home in Pangasinan, and for the first time witnessed the Filipino tradition of "pamanhikan" or formal courtship, involving both families of the fiance and fiancee coming to an "agreement" about the union and about details regarding the wedding.

I guess I'd say this whole trip back home has been about relationships, more than it has been about seeing places and doing things that would constitute "vacation." I didn't even get to go shop or "waste my money". Hehehehe. I would have breakfast with a friend, lunch with this couple, dinner with this family and it was all about catching up, how-do-you-do, here's how I'm doing. Relationships with people last more than anything else and should not be taken for granted.

I wish I had done more stuff when I was back home, or seen more places. That was not to be. 3 weeks is such a short time but I am content and grateful to get in touch with PEOPLE. It has made me see how much personal connections are valued and how much I am valued by these people, too!

Well, it's time to save, save, save for another opportunity to go back...

2008-07-24T08:26:00.001+08:00

Sorry for keeping you out of the loop (not intentionally, of course). Just the usual complaint that I HAVE NO INTERNET ACCESS, except at work, but I try to minimize the personal stuff I do there.

I'M MOVING! After weeks of agonizing where to move (cheap, a place where my stuff will fit, close to work) a very generous couple offered to let me live with them. After serious negotiations for about 23 years (more like 20 minutes), I was convinced to move in with Harry and Kelli Blalock. Of course, my arm had to be twisted because they have 1 dog and 4 cats.

DUH...HELLO! Me...catlover first, doglover second. Okay, I was bit by a dog when I was 9 years old, but I loved them immensely before that). I won't go into the details of the awesome blessing that is my "digs", but suffice to say it's not too far from work, I can come home to a "home", I can finally sell my furniture and save on rent. Did I mention that I get a treat...access to cable TV, too? Yipee! And did I mention that they're a family of divers? So I'll be really left out if I don't start educating myself in the whys and wherefores of a really good recreation. I've already gone diving once and it was such a blissful, ethereal, wonderful experience. The cats so far have no problem with me but Emma pretends to bark when she sees us, and then peeks around the corner because she wants to be noticed. So we ignore her and then pretend not to see her when she slinks in the hallway.

It sure feels good to know that I'm coming home to a secure place and have peace of mind. It sure is a change from living by myself for 3 years - a welcome change, indeed! God is good! I've been really discouraged for a time. God certainly knows how to give one blessing after the other, even when you least expect it. All I had to do was cling to God's promises of faithfulness and goodness. It...was...hard, especially after one discouraging experience after the other in my personal journey. It's been hard adjusting to certain things at work, and not knowing where my job/career is going, not to mention not having enough savings. There have been times at night when I cannot sleep for worry, or rest for anxiety what the next day will bring. The Psalms say that he takes care of the lillies of the field, and the birds of the air, and knows when I hair of my head falls to the ground. He calls the stars by name. I'm sure he knows mine, and he knows my needs. (But my parents would say that He always wants me to learn how to save). LOL! And yet again, he has provided through people or circumstance.

If you haven't seen hair nor hide of me, again I apologize. I miss you all too. It's kinda hard to work 6 days a week, and the only prep time I have to move is during the evening, and on Sundays. We have a new staff at work, and he sure helps with taking some of the workload that I carry. I hope that I can finally catch up on my backlog, and leave the office early enough to enjoy the sunset and spend time with my friends. It's so easy to be disconnected when I don't see you at all. I miss church, miss my youth group, miss the music team, miss everyone. I appreciate it when you guys call me or ask me or just drag me off to some random event - makes me feel that I'm still missed and loved.

What I also like about this move if that I am forced to see the excess baggage I have - literally. For now I'm just dumping things at my new place, and "deal with them later." However, I've let go of books, clothes, and other knick-knacks that drag me down. They're better off with others who really need them.

Forever blessed and appreciative of your love.

You and Me by Lighthouse

2007-10-18T04:07:00.002+08:00

YOU AND ME
by Lifehouse

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

After about 4 years, I have finally resumed watching Smallville. Last night while watching Season 4, I heard this song and liked it very much.

High Flight

2007-10-18T03:58:00.003+08:00

High Flight by John Gillespee Magee, Jr.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

My friend Zach shared this poem to me some months ago. I fell in love with it the first time, and the words pretty much rivaled the words expressed for my love of water. Zach is training to be a naval aviator, and I'm pretty envious that he will get a chance to hover in the "long, delirious blue" and "touch the face of God."

Rain, rain, don't go away

2007-09-27T09:21:00.001+08:00

I wrote this poem after I suffered a terrible heartache recently. The only way to deal with it was to write something about it. If I didn't express it, I knew my heart would burst with the grief and my shoulders would break from the great burden. My friends couldn't be with me physically to comfort me, although they were with me in thought and spirit. So writing was my way of coping.

RAIN, RAIN, DON'T GO AWAY
E. Pinzon
September 9, 2007

Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day

Come, clouds, come
I watch your approach through
The glass doors

Come, rain, come
Stay for a while
Pour down and
Mirror my pain

Let us cry together

Stay, rain, stay
I don't want to see a thing
Except
The haze of your gray

Can I come out and
Then perhaps my tears can mingle
With your raindrops?

Fie, wind, fie!
Why do you bring the cold?
Now I shiver and shake and
Seek the warmth of shelter

You left too soon
You cheating rain!
You moved on with your gray clouds
And left me with unshed tears.

I will be my own rain
My eyes dulled through a haze of tears
As I pour out the pain
And seek shelter from the cold wind
Wrapped around my heart

Rain, rain...
Come again another day.

She's not just a pretty face

2007-08-24T06:01:00.000+08:00

She's Not Just A Pretty Face
by Shania Twain

She hosts a T.V. show she rides the rodeo
She plays the bass in a band
She's an astronaut
a valet at the parking lot
A farmer working the land
She is a champion she gets the gold
She's a ballerina the star of the show

Chorus:
She's not just a pretty face
She's got everything it takes
She has a fashion line
a journalist for "Time"
Coaches a football team
She's a geologist a romance novelist
She is a mother of three
She is a soldier she is a wife
She is a surgeon she'll save your life

Chorus: She's not just a pretty face
She's got everything it takes
She's mother of the human race
She's not just a pretty face

Oh, oh, yeah
Oh na, na, na, na...
She is your waitress she is your judge--
she is your teacher
She is every woman in the world

Oh, la, la, la
She flies an airplane
she dirve a subway train
At night she pumps gasoline
She's on the council she's on the board
She's a politician she praises the Lord

No, she's (she's) not (not)
just a pretty face
She's (she's) got (got) everything it takes
She's not just a pretty face
She's got everything it takes
She's not just a pretty face

Holding a Mystery

2007-08-22T07:51:00.001+08:00

I posted this song on my website because one of these days, if and when I get married, I'd like my future husband to say something like this to me.

HOLDING A MYSTERY
by Steven Curtis Chapman

I know that look on your face
I know the secrets you tell
Your every move I can trace
I guess I could say I know you well
But how can I say I know you well

'Cause when I look in your eyes
I see a million miles across an endless sea
I wanna sail the waves and make the great discovery
And when I hold you in my arms
The beating of your heart is calling out to me
I'm holding a mystery

How many songs will be sung
And how many words will be said
How many stories of love
Lie deep within you, waiting to be read
And I want your story to be read

Open doors, open hearts, no dishes!

2007-08-22T03:50:00.000+08:00

This is a beloved kitchen, and even more beloved is the person that owns this home! This is Sandy Dickerman, sister, friend, confidante and surrogate mom. I can be sure that if I need a listening ear or a helping hand, I can knock on their door and be sure that she and her husband Greg are going to take me in with open arms.

This is the first home I've been to where under no circumstances (99.99% of the time) am I allowed to wash the dishes. That's HARD. Especially when doing the dishes is my favorite chore in the world.

Well, this picture was taken around dinnertime when we were still fresh and untired from the day's work. But the smiles are genuinely happy, happy to be in each other's company! I know for sure that when I'm in their home, I don't need to wash the dishes!